They Lied to Us in School and Party!!!!!

They taught us a whole bunch of stuff. They told us once we figure out the thing that we love doing, we can make our livelihood from that love. They also gave us tests to do to show us that we had an aptitude for something or that we would like doing it. If you go to a career counsellor, you'll go through all that testing again.

At least the the career counsellor will teach you better at something that pre-college school didn't teach you well. They neglected to teach us that we would have to market ourselves and our product and how to do this marketing. Without the marketing, our love and our dreams can simply go down the drain.

I would like to get deeper into this topic, but I haven't thought enough about it. I have an e-mail that I wrote to some people that starts to concieve of this topic. The people to whom I sent it didn't respond. I'd like to hear from someone about it.

Warning. . .I have edited it to fit into the context of this Blog, but I haven't editted it for brevity. Also, the e-mail originally reacts to the question I had been asking about people's susceptibility to commercials and advertising.

I've gotten into philosophical thinking with all this talk we've done.

I've somewhat resolved the ads/commercials side of things by realizing that they, much like any TV or the radio when people talk, catch my attention and distract me from doing other things. Even at a bar or something, if I'm facing a TV, I have a hard time staying in a conversation because I'm glancing at the TV a lot (maybe that's what my friend was referring to when he said that it affected him emotionally, even when he tried to ignore it).

Music doesn't do it so much, relaxing me instead, so it makes for great studying, writing, project work background and such.

All the discussions I've started on this topic have gotten broader than I intended. Not a bad thing because I've gotten more enlightened about something else.

The broader discussion has turned more toward the philosophical direction, though. Pretty much, by nature, humans must consume for basic survival. For sanity, a healthy mental life, interaction with other people and society, we need to consume, also. I think, to some degree, many of us agree that excessive consumption can create results we don't like.

On a semi-spiritual level, I can accept our place in the consumption/excretion cycle of life on this Earth and possibly the Universe. We transform things through food, respiration, metabolism, etc. etc., which creates a substance good for other life. Earthworms do the same thing.

But that doesn't seem to be enough for me, and I don't believe it is for other people than just me. I'm feeling somewhat uninspired lately because of a trapped feeling, as I feel like I'm creating wealth to just consume for survival or to create wealth to consume for better survival later. But I'm creating wealth by something that doesn't necessarily excite me. . .or at least, not on a day to day level.

I feel lucky that I have the chance to start over again, to a certain degree, by moving to Chicago in a few months. I feel even better armed than I did when I first moved to Boston five years ago. I believe that I'll get a job that will bring me fulfillment and happiness more than I'm feeling lately. I think the fiancee's feeling somewhat the same as me, since she's filling out grad school apps and such. . .she's also facing some bits of her past, as I'm facing the ignorance that I have.

And part of my questioning about ads and commericals is that I'll probably be headed into copy writing for marketing/ad campaigns or doing public relations. . .which seems somewhat shallow to me unless it's for the right cause. Doing something shallow for work isn't a bad thing, really. . .I guess I've just gotten disgruntled with working at a job that I don't enjoy the job, I don't connect with the people at the job (except for one or two co-workers or a few customers now and then) and it just doesn't really hold strong meaning or anything for me on the everyday level.

I want that community while I'm working. I want that meaning. I don't want to work just to continue my existence.

I remember something a friend said the other day about making music as something not necessarily all that great because it advocates unneeded consumption. I don't really agree with that so much. I guess I appreciate music, books, good TV, good movies and so on and so forth as important to culture, people, etc. etc. by perpetuating that culture and for inspiring people in the now and possibly in the future. I think a compromise can exist for cultural consumption and the consumption of material goods. . .the culture reproduced doesn't necessarily eat materials. The materials are just a vehicle for the culture.

There's a lot more I could say in this ramble fashion. I don't really have a conclusion. . .if anything, I want to find one, even though I know life's about finding those conclusions, losing them then finding another one and so forth. I just want to feel inspired while searching for those conclusions, not as if I'm just consuming to survive.

Party!!!!

The past couple nights, I went to parties, of sorts.

The first one was the insurance agency's holiday party at some restaurant. I got to stay a couple hours at work for logistical reasons and work a little more.

Unfortuneately, I didn't do any catch up or urgent work. My supervisor decided to give me some random work that she used to give me when I first started there. I didn't have to do it then. I know, though, she had decided that this random administrative clean up the database work was important enough to get on my case soon if I didn't do it.

In the meanwhile, I have either customers breathing down my neck or I have to put together presentations and policies for when I get to annouce that the poop has hit the fan and something needs to get addressed NOW! Otherwise, they could possibly not have coverage. And even worse. . .if something happens while they don't have coverage, they could always sue the agency for an Errors & Omission claim.

They probably would get something from filing that claim, too, because my supervisor wanted me to address some administrative matter to make their job easier. Ahhhh. . .I really must admire the the short sightedness of some people, even when they get the full picture explained to them. They still can't see the whole picture and how they need to find a more efficient way of addressing this matter than having the full time backbone member of a department address.

Honestly. . .I don't wonder why I feel excited about heading to Chicago. Even if I stayed in the insurance industry, just finding a much better organized company/agency would make my life so incredibly easier!

But yes, the party. . .can't forget the party! Not too much to say about it, really. I didn't have a good mood when I got there. Thankfully, the waiter had the intelligence and iniative to pick up on my vegetarian diet and offered a consolation dish in lieu of the all meat entree and greens menu. I expected the menu, but my compliments to the waiter and chef!

Otherwise, I just entered into random conversations and mainly hung out with the fiancee and the one person in the office that I can socialize with honestly. I possibly should have socialized with others from the office, but well. . .I didn't feel in the mood, really couldn't think up any topics that I could fake well that night and don't really think any detrimental effect will come from not socializing. After all, I'll be gone in a couple months. . ..

Last night, I went to a much better party. A couple friends who met at a housewarming party I threw a little more than three years ago had decided to move in with each other and decided to throw a party. The hour drive there and back went by without incident, and the drive to party ratio made the party quite worth it.

I had some pretty cool conversation with just about everyone there. A lot of them came from New Jersey, from where one of the home boarders originates. A minority originally came from New England, including myself. Socializing with all them really hit the target for a big reason why I want to move out of this area. The people here really are very reserved and, dare I say it, come off as a bit eltitist and snooty in attitude. I guess it can happen anywhere, but I just really haven't had the most positive experience in New England lately.

Either which way, I had a great time socializing with these people. I even felt like I could act myself and let down some of my barriers. On the way home, though, I did mull over the fact about my social anxiety of letting down my guards. Maybe I should say more mulling over the way that I can get really involved on one topic in a conversation, which can cut down on the light hearted attitude of a party.

Getting anxious about it and pulling back, however, kind of complicates things. I kind of feel like I possibly pull back too much and don't go far enough into a conversation. This whole thing doesn't worry me over much. I just like to think about these things and try to find a good middle point so that I can best enjoy a party. I haven't found a good way to approach this one, though.

Overall, though, the small house warming party last night gets 4.75 stars out of 5. Only the smallness worked against it, and size really shouldn't make a huge difference. I really just enjoyed and felt inspired to meeting these interesting people and feeling welcomed by them into the acquaintence party fold.

Good fun.

Missing: The Lex

Last night, technology got me to disappear again. The new router came in the mail yesterday (did I mention that I had problems with the previous one, and I started the warranty process over the weekend?). I took a couple hours to make it work, learn a couple new things about the cable modem and wireless networks then troubleshoot some problems. Now it works swimmingly, though.

The other night, I felt way too tired to blog. That day, I had taken another insurance class in Framingham. I stressed out about being late and felt generally miserable. Fortunately, I got to bed at a good time.

Right. I also played some Magic that night and watched Lost then went to bed because I felt like crap. I've got my priorities, after all.

After a conversation about commercials and advertising that night after playing Magic, I've started asking people if they feel susceptible to advertising? Does advertising persuade you to buy a particular product or does advertising persuade them to "buy into" our materisalistic and consumerist society?

I've gotten a lot of interesting answers so far. Nothing totally solid to put together, but interesting, nonetheless. I don't know how seriously I will take this research project, but it provides for some interesting conversation and knowledge, at the least.

Nothing Much to Report or Ramble On, Sir!

Except that I had an interesting meeting with a psychiatrist tonight for that ADHD study that I've applied for. It stressed me out a little, with all the questions thrown at me, one after the other.

In the end, though, I did get a diagnosis of ADHD but with a strange subtitle. It sounded something like "we're not really sure when we noticed it or how it works, but we know you've got it."

Mortality

If you haven't done it yet, go to registry-cleaner.net and download the program. Took a long time cleaning up my registry with this program on trial version (seriously considering getting the full version), but now the computer runs like new. Of course, I've regularly run SpyBot and AdAware beforehand. Until I ran this program, though. . ..

Onto the main topic, though, mortality:

While driving home from work today, I recalled the one night during the first time I went to Montreal. I had been dealing with a real painful, swollen cyst in my belly button. The whole cyst thing came to me as a new thing then. It still comes as a strange, uknown territory to me.

The second night in Montreal, though, I had come back to the hotel room, alone, as the third person out of five. The other two had stayed out on their own, following individual adventures. Coming back home alone didn't bother me. The many drinks that night had affected me, but I found myself coming down from being drunk.

I had reached that feeling sorry for myself stage. That time, I didn't feel sorry for myself on any kind of existential or relationship-based level. Instead, I focused on this thing that had decided to inhabit my belly button. Put simply it sucked.

After some thought, though, I had begun entertaining the idea that this bump in my belly button might come as the beginning of cancer. I've had lumps similar to it on other parts of my body before and since then. Nonetheless, none of those bumps had ever given me such pain before. Remember, though, that I had a fair amount of drink that night. My inhibitions had come down. I had become more willing entertain the idea that I might have cancer and possibly might die soon.

A sobering thought, this mortality, even when I'm drunk. I got so sober to realize that this thought tangent may simply have originated from the fact that I had a fair amount of drink in me and that leads my thinking to more easygoing thinking.

Wait. . .I'm not approaching this topic right. My getting drunk then might just have an effect on my writing now. See what they mean. You know, THEY. They talk about drinking affecting your future. This writing comes as a great sample of how drinking can screw with your future. . ..

So anyway. . .I'm coming down from inebriation, and I'm thinking that I might die soon. I took the whole idea pretty calmly. At that time, I had already done plenty of thinking about the topic. I had done thinking, at least, of trying to live as if today was my last day on Earth but also making sure I have something in place, just for that chance that I might show up on the planet tomorrow.

By the way, I would consider that time in my life as something of a very low point. I've never considered suicide as a viable choice, but life hadn't made me happy at that time.

That night, though, I took some time to seriously think about this idea that I might not live past tomorrow, the next week, the next month, the next year. I tried to think about the things that I would do. Would I withdraw all my money from the bank and follow my dream of travelling the country or the world as I had dreamed as a teenager? Would I withdraw all that money, start up some kind of charity organization or just donate it to some good charitable cause? Would I just live the day like any other, go back to school and follow the same course I followed the day before? Would I mouth off to all the people I resented? Would I engage in promiscuous sex, party all the time, hang out with people I hadn't and couldn't hang out with for a long time? Would I commit crimes?

At that time, I had decided that I would live life as I would the day before. . .plan on going back to school, trying to find meaning, trying to make meaning, trying to find companionship, etc. etc. I wouldn't change anything out of the ordinary.

Suffice to say, that swelled belly button was just a cyst, not a tumor. I've had many cysts since then. Over the past Thanksgiving weekend, I've actually had cysts where I hadn't had cysts before. Learning more about cysts this time, I realized that I've had many of them in the past. I just didn't know what they were all about.

In the car, this evening, on the way home from work, though, I decided that if I were posed with the same dilemma, I would change things. I would quit my job. I would cash out my retirement funds and take the penalty. I'd put that money into a nice interest bearing money market fund. I would draw on that cash. While drawing on that cash, I would work, from dawn to dusk, on my thesis and novel. I would work on it as if I had only that one day left to work on it.

Finishing it, I would go forward with the necessary processes to get my BA. If I finished it but died or wasn't healthy, I would submit it and ask for a posthumous BA.

Either which way after that, I would then try to sell both the thesis and novel to some publishing company. If I had any proceeds from that, I would work on finishing my short stories then try to publish those.

If I died and had any funds leftover, I would try to set up a scholarship with my leftover funds.

That's how much I want my BA, how much I want to publish my work and how much I want to leave a mark on this world. I would do all that if I knew I would die soon.

Knowing my luck, though, I would get a clean bill of health the moment I spent my last penny. Here's to the healing power of doing something that I love. . .. ;D

Another Complaint and More Dreams

I forgot to mention another issue that has gone wrong over the weekend. The water pressure in our unit has taken a nose dive. It hasn't completely disappeared but has become nearly useless. Taking a shower stinks. Washing the dishes would take forever. Shaving becomes even more of a hassle. I fear to wash the dishes or do the laundry.

I've gone over everything I know but can't figure out anything. Running the water over night, making sure the boiler water pressure remains good and that we keep the heat relatively high. Nothing really anything better.

We've e-mailed the landlord. If he doesn't get back to us by today, we'll give him a call.

Ugh.

Frantic Dreams Last Night

Two main plots run throughout the dreams last night. I owe someone about $241 or something, and I have to pay it through the Internet, but I can't figure out how and someone in Friendster or MySpace sends me a note about someone escaping or emerging with a power suit like the guy in Greatest American Hero, but I can't find anything more on the Internet about it. Then again, I have a hard time even remembering the code name given to the suit. . ..

In the meanwhile, I worry about waking up my parents since doing the research on this suit and trying to pay this supposed someone causes something of a racket, I stop a subway car by wrapping my arms around it, then a conductor on the platform yells at me to let it go and a whole bunch of other stuff that doesn't really come to mind all that easily at the moment.

Another Couple Days

Some of you may think that I haven't written for the last couple days because of the Thanksgiving weekend. Well, you would be wrong if you thought that.

I had at least two or three opportunities to write an entry, but I chose not to do so. One night, I picked up someone from the easiest to reach subway station for both of us, had an adventure looking for an Indian restaurant, chatted it up until midnight then drove her to the airport that following morning.

After sleeping a bit, the fiancee and I went to my parent's place for Thanksgiving dinner then met up with a friend to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Thanksgiving went surprisingly well. Somehow, the whole family got along, including the most negative member of the family. Amazing!

Not much to say about the Goblet of Fire. I hadn't seen the first three episodes of the series, even though I saw the Chamber of Secrets the next day. The Goblet of Fire felt a bit predictable, even though my predictions came from incorrect premises. The friend who saw the movie with us said it felt a little mechanical as compared to the first three episodes. Overall, though, I had fun watching the movie, even though it ran somewhat long. It felt much better than "not a waste of time."

I enjoyed the Chamber of Secrets more. The fiancee says that it stuck a little too close to the original novel. I haven't read the novel yet, but this one provided a little more humor, charm and surprises. Even though I saw Snape in Goblet of Fire, I got misdirected throughout the whole movie and was lead into believing that one thing was happening when something else happened.

We watched the Chamber of Secrets the next day after going out to Best Buy to buy the fiancee a new laptop, which I am using now. The thing works great! I wish I had one of my own, but I already have a nice desktop that works just fine. Just fine. I would like to have the option of carrying out a computer so that I can hook into a WiFi network at a cafe or pull out the laptop on the train to do my e-mail, browse the Internet, send out some e-mail and so on and so forth. I would enjoy having that ability very much. But oh well. . .I've got a good enough computer and don't really have the funds available for a nice laptop.

I also had the job of setting up the laptop for the fiancee. The laptop, itself, hasn't given me any problems. . .AT ALL. BTW, it's a nice low-end Compaq Presario with a widescreen. I don't really know any of the other details, but it works very nice.

But for anyone who knows me even relatively well, you know that something has to go wrong with any new piece of electric equipment I buy (maybe I should just stop buying new electronic equipment until I'm convinced that this "karma" has gone away).

The router has struck back. I think it first struck before I even started this blog. Pretty much, the router and the cable modem provided to me by Comcast wouldn't play together well. The router would pretty much shut down the modem, so I had to move the router across the room. Everything worked well after I moved it. Well, mostly well, at least.

Until mid this past week or last week. Using the Internet on my desktop started giving me tons of problems. I won't get into it other than to say that the desktop pretty much couldn't hook up with my router through WiFi and ended up hooking into someone else's router in the neighborhood without me noticing.

Long story short, after figuring out the fault lied with the router, not the laptop, then fooling around with settings, upgrades to the firmware, trying anything I could think up then trying everything the livechat people at LinkSys could think up (or should I say have training to have me do) then having one of them disconnect from me without saying goodbye or giving me guidance. . .I decided the problem lied with YET ANOTHER FAULTY PRODUCT.

Settling that issue, I called the customer service people at LinkSys to set up the warranty return then they send another router to me process. I don't think of myself as prejudiced or even negative to moving customer service over to India, BUT I had such a problem understanding the woman who spoke with me! Maybe she didn't have such a strong accent as someone I know, but combine the accent with bad phone reception. . .yeah, I think you get what I'm saying. Eventually, though, we accomplished the goal of that phone call.

So I followed the woman's guidance to go to the LinkSys warranty forms on their Webpage. I move on ahead, filling out the forms then end up with a screen that just says "Tech Error." WTF?!?!?! Right?

I called customer service at LinkSys again. Another woman lists off another bunch of questions that I've essentially addressed already.

A small aside, I must say thanks to one sales guy at Best Buy who acknowledged that I know how to address these things and have already answered all the questions. It can get so dang annoying when I have to answer the same bunch of questions a million times (even after copying and pasting a transcript of a chat that shows that I've answered those questions) just to get back to the last point that I reached with the previous tech person.

It just makes me so FRUSTRATED!

So after she asks me a couple questions and getting me frustrated after I had praised myself for not getting frustrated while chatting it up with these people, I just lose it. I don't get abusive or swear or anything. I just get real firm, tell her that I've done everything she has asked me and that she will stay on the phone while I go through the process of filling out these online forms so if something goes wrong, she can tell me.

And the problem ends up just me answering a question they ask on the online form. It's the question about those three digits on the back of your credit card that disappear when the card gets photocopied. So I guess when you answer the question that authenticates that you are the person with the REAL credit card, not the photocopied one, they won't let you use the dang credit card. WTF?!?!?!

That pretty much fixed everything. So now, I get to wait a couple days until I get the new router they send me, test it out then send back the old faulty, screwed up router.

Anyway. . .after getting that all settled, I went to a good video game party. If anything, this kind of party works pretty good after getting frustrated with tech support and customer support because you don't really have to socialize, if you don't want. You can just plop down on the couch, get a controller then run all around a virtual maze shooting at people, pick weapons then blow up other worms, play silly party games, fly around as a monkey in a small plastic ball or wahtever escapist fake reality we chose. I could choose whatever level of socialization I wanted to engage in.

On top of that, I had a great conversation on the way home when I gave a couple of these other guys a ride home. We talked about creativity, our current life situations, what kind of careers we want to explore and I even got to give a small lecture about utopia and dystopia. Doesn't necessarily sound extremely exciting. . .except that one of the guys actually had a small epiphany and understood what I said.

Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Today, I slept in a bit (getting sick of the sleeping in. . .by mistake). Hopefully, I don't have a problem waking up for work tomorrow. Otherwise, I slacked off a little too much with computer Texas Holdem, installed MS Office on the fiancee's computer and did a bunch of projects, including posting my resume up on Monster.com. Nothing exciting, really.

Which leads me to think that The Lextopia may have lost a bit of a hook for the audience. Not really anything that worries me, but I wouldn't mind hearing some comments about your level of interest on this Blog.

I will end this entry with a quote that addresses my recent frustrations:

"THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE

We have bigger houses but smaller familes;
more conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicines, but less healthiness;
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbour.
We built more computers to hold more
information to produce more copies than ever,
but have less communication;
We have become long on quantity,
but short on quality.
These are the times of fast foods
but short on digestion;
Tall man but short character;
Steep profits but shallow relationships.
It's a time when there is much in the window,
but nothing in the room.

...His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama"

And oh yeah. . .another annoying thing that has become annoying. . .my bank seems to have turned off my debit card. I can't think of a reason why they did. Maybe it has to do with my increased spending for Christmas shopping or even the beginning of a new procedure: putting my rent money into a Money Market then paying the rent with that money. Still. . .it SUCKS!

Lovely. . ..

Dream: Fish

I have a big pool and put a bunch of fish into it. This one fish starts eating all the other fish. It starts growing and eventually gets so big that it takes up the whole pool and thensome. I have thoughts about getting rid of it but keep it for some reasons. I think I also keep feeding it, like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

It eventually reaches the size that for me not to get eaten, I have to creep along the walls. Even then. . .. The thing almost looks or feels like an octopus or squid. . .it seems to have tentacles or something. . .even though that thing that just flapped by my head could just be the tail.

Night Haiku #2

This was a weird night.
   I went on a bad bender --
ADD, but did work.

Not a very good haiku, but it says what I mean.

Pre-Cognition and Dream Logic

This morning, I had an interesting dream with a little bit of pre-cognition, or a somewhat likely coincidence with waking life.

In the dream, I kept hearing "To the Nth Degree" by Morning Wood. This morning, I flipped on the radio. Guess what was playing.

The rest of the dream was interesting, too. A hurricane struck my old hometown. The fiancee and I go to visit, for some reason, then find a mansion with a small party going on. Maybe not a mansion, but it has a nice pool. Mostly, fun stuff happens at the pool and getting along with people.

Then my alarm kept on going off in real life, and I kept hitting the snooze button. The morning turned into one of those alarm waking me up repeatedly then going back to the dream until I wake up mornings.

In the dream, the fiancee and I eventually have to leave. I also have a vivid memory of fooling around with the fiancee at the pool, but I won't get into it. . .nothing juicy. . .just nothing to share with the world. But anyway, I head on down to where the hosts had me put my jacket. . .somewhere in the finished basement. I remember going down earlier, but it's not an ad hoc dream memory. It really happened previously in the dream, and I remember it.

I think up an odd situation while retrieving my jacket. I dwell on why these people received my fiancee and me so easily when we showed up. They never knew us. We never knew them. We never knew someone else who knew the other group. They just accepted us.

Then, I come up with some scenario in which these people were vampires (maybe not very likely since I think the party happened in the day time) or they want to make us into beasts. They have kept feeding us. Now they want to seperate us so that they can finish the process.

And that's where the dream ends.

Sometimes I hate how incomplete dreams can be. . ..

Back

So the fiancee got back from Plymouth today. Nothing to report, really. Took a class, we ate a bit and I took a test that felt good taking. Not much else really. . ..

Taking a Break from Class/Studying

The fiancee found a cool little cafe that has a cool atmosphere, some nice drinks and sweets and free Internet access for customers. The baristas even have a real friendly aura and attitude about them.

If I lived here in Plymouth, I would probably come to this cafe most every night for a nice drink and to read and write. If I were older, Plymouth might actually be a nice place to live. Oh well, moving to the Midwest, I probably won't end up in Plymouth.

Pity that I have yet to find a cafe close by in Newton, Cambridge, Watertown, Belmont, Brighton or anything nearby similar to this place. The cafe in Waltham near the commuter rail station on the way to work has a good atmosphere and such. Unfortunately, that cafe closes pretty early in the non-summer seasons. I would say it closes around the time that I get off the commuter rail and wait for the bus on the way home.

Remembering the Waltham commuter rail and environs reminds me of a dream that I had last night. In it, I get on the bus that goes by the commuter rail station but stay on past it. For some reason, I believe it will take me all the way to Concord, even after a bit, I realize that taking the commuter rail would have been easier. That fact doesn't matter too much, though, because I think a couple friends and a past friend who had become a non-friend after some small group controversy a little more than a year ago motivated me to stay on the bus. More to the fact, I think I enjoyed staying on the bus because I could passionately and angrily yell at the past friend all I wanted, and he couldn't get in a word edge-wise.

I think, for a little bit. . .when I realized that I could have taken the commuter rail instead of the bus and that I had taken on this endless tirade against this past friend. . .I had become semi-conscious that I was in a dream and could have made it a lucid one. It didn't become lucid. Nor did I really push for it. I believe that things turned out this way because. . .dang! I really enjoyed laughing at this oaf of a past friend. It felt really, really gratifying!

So, yeah. . .I'm at this cool little cafe in Plymouth. Before I could get on the computer, I read some fifty haikus by Richard Wright in this book that I got last year from a friend hailing in Pennsylvania (actually, a pretty good book. . .thanks, friend!). Afterward, I read a couple pages in Steppenwolf (actually at a somewhat interesting part where the character actually interacts with others rather than going off in some essay format) before this computer became free.

While doing that reading, I felt myself fulfilling a certain idealistic, romantic image that I have that I would like to embody. I don't have a real easy way to describe. When I first think about it, I first think some ex-patriot in Europe, hanging out at a cafe, drinking some coffee, philosophizing and such. Then I think about existentialists like Camus, Nietschze, Heidigger and so on and so forth.

I don't consider myself an ex-pat or an existentialist, though. They really do kind of fit that mold best, though. I guess, in some way, I would like to consider myself instead of an armchair politican, rather a coffee shop or cafe politician. I may not necessarily get as much done as, say, a professional politician, a dissident or someone who gets involved so much in protests. I think, though. I feel, too. These things can possibly coelesce together at a cafe and become something more than just show.

Other people come to cafes. I can start conversations. We can trade ideas. I can challenge my own ideas, we can challenge each other. We can bring books, petitions, pamphlets, brochures, etc. etc. We can post them on the bulletin board. A whole bunch of things can happen that can create a community better than if I stay at home, watch TV, go to a bar, gather together with just friends in our living rooms, drink and so on and so forth.

To me, a cafe holds many possibilities. That's probably why I called an old Blog or Discussion Boards of mine the Ontok Cafe. Too bad it never took off. . .probably because I got very busy doing a ton of other things. Oh well. . .such is life.

The Class

I've gone to the insurance class for a day and a half. I have one more day left then a two hour test. Only really a small amount of the stuff comes off as new. At least I understand everything better than I did during my last class, which was only loosely connected to Personal Lines Insurance. I don't think I'll get a perfect score on the test, but neither am I too worried that I will fail, for sure. I'll study relatively leisurely then take the test. I don't really care which way the chips fall.

This guy, Ed, who sits next to me in the class has given me some encouragement about the test. I really haven't told him my full story. . .I don't want a career in insurance, I'm moving halfway across the country in about 6 months, I don't really know why I'm taking these classes and testing and that I'll be looking for another career when I move. His support feels generally heartening, especially since we hardly know each other.

The thought of trying to become Ed's friend has crossed my mind. We have at least a couple things in common. He likes gourmet tea and has some good knowledge about how to brew it, which I haven't encountered much these days. Also, he wants to get a projection TV and likes his home theater. I don't really know much else that we might have in common, but he seems like a relatively cool guy.

I won't try too hard, though. After all, I'll be moving, and the whole not telling my whole story could become a little uncomfortable when it finally comes out. Or something like that. I guess, in the long run, the benefits of making him as a friend doesn't really file like the benefits would be come worth it.

Random Thought or Two

I've done some thinking about not so fortunate people and immigrants and such. In the class, at least one of the instructors has let his opinion known about the whole controversy about people trying to get flood coverage under their homeowners policies, even though homeowners policies don't give flood coverage. Many people I've encountered in the insurance industry have expressed their pity for the people down in New Orleans, but they really get angry about these people trying to get something they haven't paid for in the past.

A friend of mine in NH volunteered for the Red Cross then got shipped down to Houston for a couple weeks. After getting back, she told me some interesting stories about how things had gotten very tense down there, on the ground. Essentially, people feel like they should be getting more support and help than they're getting.

In regards to the immigrant thing, as I've said previously, I've gotten annoyed with the platitude that people say about if people come to America, they should learn to speak English. Yesterday, an Asian guy gave me this platitude.

I haven't done any huge amount of deep thinking about these topics. Today, though, in response to all this stuff, I just felt this huge emotion of pity that these disenfranchised people who don't necessarily have money and skills can get entrenched in this disenfranchisement. A lot of times, these people don't have the responsibility for ending up disenfranchised except for some existential responsibility for trying their damndest to improve their situation. Even then, though, no matter how much some people try, they still get disenfranchised just because they simply don't have the economic, social or knowledge capital to learn how to make things better for themselves and their community. Even more distressing, as one case study I read for school, sometimes a person has to make an existential Faustian deal by abandoning their community or family to make things better just for themselves.

And this emotion and intellectual realization just throws me down into thinking that somehow, somewhere something is fundamentally wrong that causes a lot of suffering. Very Buddhist, I know, but I feel it.

Not much more thoughts on that. I just have done some thinking and feeling on this one, perhaps for years and years. After reflecting on it, though, I just tell myself that I really can't make more of a difference until I finish and publish my novel and possibly do the same thing with my thesis.

But anyway. . .I should probably get on with things. I have to study for this test, after all, which really doesn't have to do with my overall plan to try ease suffering. . .even if on some level, I do help to mitigate the suffering of the propertied.

Darn. . .I'm a jerk. =D

Morning Blah

Last night, I went to an ADHD clinic. Kind of a strange experience. I hung out with this psychiatrist and talked about the cognitive things that annoy me. I even volunteered information.

I made an appointment to visit and have another evaluation with them in a couple weeks.

The doctor and research assistant talked a little bit while I waited in the waiting room. While listening carefully, I heard them say 'normal.' As much as being normal is nice, I'd like to have some way other than the sometimes insurmountable effort of working past massive procrastination pains and compulsive game play and calculating.

I guess we'll just have to see, though.

In other news, I got to bed late last night after doing the finances. They're turning out well, even though I wish they could accumulate faster and through work that I really enjoyed.

Speaking of work, in about a half hour, the fiancee and I will leave to head down to Plymouth. I've got an insurance class that goes from noon today to Friday with an optional test on Saturday. The test really won't help me much if I take it, unless I decide to stick with insurance. I really don't want to do so. . ..

Either which way, I don't know how reliable my Internet connection will be for the next couple days. Even so, with the studying and such, I don't know how reliably I'll write on this Blog and pay attention to my e-mail. Guess we'll just have to see.

Night Haiku #1

Emerging conscious,
   Trees, rocks, water, people, wow!
What do we do now?

The Same, Just Different Crap

The clock has pretty much just struck 10 PM EST, not a bad time to pack up the work.

I have no complaints about the last couple days. At least, not since I got inspired after The One Man Star Wars Trilogy.

OK, maybe I've got one thing to complain about. The next day, I woke up early, had a bit of coffee throughout the day then had a couple drinks that night. To celebrate someone's birthday, a bunch of us went out for dinner and drinks then to their place to hang out. I felt out of it, tired and not very scoial. Because I felt tired and beat, I think I didn't have such a great time.

Oh well, I was pretty productive that day, nonethetheless.

Sunday, I did some miscellany but nothing too important.

Tonight, I did real good. Figuring out how to fill out a stupid form that I feel like I didn't need to fill out so that I could correct a stupid mistake with a financial firm frustrated me.

After clearing all that up, though, I edited a couple job searching templates then figured out that I don't have much more editing to do until I actually start posting my resume and really look for jobs. Woohoo! This stage helps me feel a lot better after realizing, at the birthday party the other night, just how small amount of time that I have until April, when the fiancee and I move to Chicago.

Oh yeah. . .another great thing: Got a random call from a Chicago friend who just got a new cell phone with a Chicago number. Great to hear from him.

Services Rendered and Personal Responsibility

Just how responsible should the consumer be when the salesman practically gives them the product?

Practically every morning and evening, I commute from home to work using public transportation. In the morning, I walk a bit to catch the bus in hopes of making it to the commuter rail on time so that I can either grab an hot apple cider or tea at the local cafe before boarding the rail and/or get to work on time. It really isn't important for this topic, but these tasks can get difficult, depending on when I wake up.

In the evening, I pretty much follow this course in reverse except that time doesn't enter so much as a factor except that I'd like to get home ASAP. I want to get as productive as possible. The local cafe generally doesn't enter the picture, either, unless I want to stay away from home for a change of scenery.

The conductors, in the morning over the last half year or so, have gotten somewhat lazy and unobservant. They seemed to have ignored me and didn't collect my fare.

Now, a lot of people would just go with it and take the free ride. I did that for awhile, but then I started thinking about it. The money I would pay helps to keep the fares for the whole MBTA system down (but they also can increase them if more people use the public transport) and my fare goes to keep food on the table of families, clothes on the backs of families, helps families go on vacation and so on and so forth.

On top of that, this trading money for a ticket also creates the chance to interact with another human being and make a connection with someone. It can remind me and this other person about the interdependence that we have on each other and the rest of humanity and nature.

After awhile of one conductor, a pretty enthusiastic and upbeat guy, of not collecting my fare, I made a point to getting his attention and making him take my fare. After all, I would have my cash in view and ready to pay. I would be reading at the time, but that's no excuse for this guy not collecting my fare. I had to work a couple weeks to train the guy but eventually he would stop by me and collect my fare.

Almost every morning, this enthusiastic, upbeat guy helped to brighten my day and made me warm up to people that much more.

Then. . .

Then. . .

Then. . .

Then he disappeared!

One morning, maybe a half month ago or so, my friendly conductor didn't stop by my seat to ask for my fare.

In fact, no one stopped by my seat to ask for my fare. Some young punk just got back on the car, walked down the aisle, hardly paying attention to anyone then sat back down at the front of the car.

This young whipper snapper followed this routine for a couple days after that, so I figured I would have to train another conductor. Instead of just sitting there, waiting for him to ask for the fare and offer me a ticket, I tried getting his attention.

The young punk hardly even paused. I think he might have for a second. My request for him to collect my fare registered with him for just that one little second. . .

But then he just kept walking toward the back of the train!

I didn't even see him for the rest of the train ride until I got off at my stop.

I forget how long ago that ride was. The experience really annoyed me. The young kid didn't even acknowledge my existence.

Not yet have I gotten up from my seat, walked up to a conductor, handed them my fare then said, "Give me a ticket."

I'm thinking about doing it. I feel that it is my responsibility to do so, to keep the costs of the consumers at market value, to keep the families of the MBTA employees going strong, hell, to keep the fabric of society together so that it doesn't fall apart by the strings to become Thomas Hobbes's State of Nature.

The acceptance and legislation of same-sex marriage won't destroy society. The merchant's failure to collect on their service or product rendered will destroy society.

Quote About Books

In the case of good books, the point is not how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through to you.

-Mortimer J. Adler
philosopher, educator and author (1902-2001)

Silly E-Mail Conversation

Oth: "Fight for me and I will release you from this living death!! What say you?"
- Aragorn, in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

The_Lex: Uh. . .sure. I guess that sounds like an OK deal. Can you throw in eternal Paradise with that, too?

Oth: No, no paradise. Only freedom from living death.

The_Lex: There anything I can do for some paradise?

I can have my grunts make a lot of Sabson.

Oth: Is it Fair Trade Sabson?

The_Lex: Dude,

It's made by the living dead who have betrayed your ancestors. You're making us fight to free us from living death. Anything made by us is totally Fair Trade, especially if we're getting eternal paradise out of it.

Oth: Eternal paradise is overrated... not that I have any to give. Maybe the dwarf is right and I should just keep you around to do my bidding.

The_Lex: I guess we can just let the Dark Lord conquer you. Hardly makes a difference to us.

But how about virgins? We've heard they're pretty good to have in the afterlife.

Oth: First of all I AM THE DARK LORD!!! Therefore I can hardly conquer myself. As for the virgins you should have plenty of them because I sacrifice them (and goats) regularly.

The_Lex: Ahhhhhh. . .whatever. . .you're bluffing. I can see it in your face. We spit in your face.

But we'd like to get this whole living death thing out of the way. Show us who to fight and have an inspiring score going while we fight!

In case you haven't noticed

I have copied and pasted a whole bunch of Blog entries that I made back in 2002 on my first ever Blog.

Go and enjoy.

Warning, though: Readers back then got annoyed with linguistic screwing around. Be prepared to struggle a little.

A Newly Inspired Man

Two nights ago, I lost $20 in two hours playing Texas Holdem. I really shouldn't have used that $10, but in my passion, I went against my better judgment. Oh well. . ..

I felt like crap afterward when I left the poker group then met up with the fiancee, a friend and some his friends on the other side of the River and a nice subway ride. The friend had invited a bunch of people out to celebrate his birthday. I didn't come as a breath of fresh air, but they helped me get my mind off the bad poker game.

Fiancee and I woke up yesterday morning with the intention to visit a mall. We wanted to do some window shopping to get ideas for Christmas shopping.

We never made it to the mall because we ended up lazing around in the morning a little, then my mind stuck on improving my Texas Holdem and Magic, which I felt really horrible about because of a discussion the finacee and I had a couple nights ago.

Like me a couple weeks ago, she feels kind of lonely with her friends all disappeared or just majorly busy. She doesn't want to disturb me, though, because she has had the perception that I've been doing important money making work, job search and thesis work stuff, which I should have been doing. For the last week or so, though, I had ended up just trying to better my Texas Holdem and Magic. Suffice to say, I've felt major guilt about this habit of mine. . ..

So we ended up nixing the mall plan until today, but we decided to go out for dinner and see Charles Ross's One Man Stars Wars Trilogy. The guy does the original Star Wars trilogy in one hour, includes the generally most vital scenes, takes the roles of all the major characters, riffs on some of the cheesiness and does acapella versions of the major themes. You'll have to wait a little longer for my reaction to it.

Until we had to leave, though, we decided that, even though it was stupid, that I could play Texas Holdem on the computer to my heart's content. I played, but I couldn't fulfill my heart of it in the time that I had.

We left for dinner and ate at this new Japanese place in Brookline. The fiancee told me that it had taken the place of Kaya. We had the scallion pancakes for the appetizer. She had some kind of fish. I had the veggie udon. We found the food pleasant enough but nothing outstanding. The wait staff treated us nice enough. They had an interesting hot plate built in the middle of the table, which looks kind of interesting. Also, they had barbeque tables, which sounds interesting. Alas, no veggie plates for the hot plate or the barbeque tables. I probably won't go back, but the fiancee wants to check out the novelty of the barbeque and hot plate.

I still hadn't gotten over my card game compulsion and I had a small headache, so we made our way over to the creperie where I got this huge shot of espresso with a squirt of ginger bread syrup. An interesting drink. I forgot how I phrased my reaction to it, but it was a good one. (Reminder: take notes in Palm of interesting reactions to things.) The espresso didn't necessarily help with the small headache, but it helped me get my mind off of the card playing compulsion and calmed me down a little, emotionally, even though it still made me a little physically jittery and overly reactive to sounds and such. . ..

We didn't get any food at the creperie, but we love it there, especially for breakfast. Very good variety of crepes that generally all taste good.

Then we rush on over to the Wilbur Theater to make sure we didn't have trouble getting our seats. Nice small intimate place that has something of a lounge downstairs with drinks sold in the lobby.

Only problem getting our seats came when the people next to mine had already claimed my assigned seat. Afterward, the fiancee told me that while I went to the bathroom, the people on the other side of us got to their seats and saw that we had taken one of their seats. The fiancee had to have a small academic and common sense altercation with the theater etiquette violators, but once that got settled easily enough, we had no problem with the rest of the audience.

Charles Ross puts on a good show in One Man Stars Wars Trilogy. The one hour show cost us $50 a head, but we felt that every cent we spent on it didn't go wasted. This guy, his crew and Wilbur Theater earned every cent.

It got a little frantic at parts. I got lost during two parts, just plain not knowing what was going on. Everyone else had a good laugh about those parts, though, so I figured just didn't know the trilogy well enough. After all, Mr. Ross means the play for the geeks who have a good idea about the play. For me, a minor Star Wars geek, I followed well enough, found the whole thing quite amusing and felt the non sequitur jabs very fun, very. . ..

Seriously, though, I also found myself with a tear almost creeping out of my eye here or there. Either I could remember the importance in the movie or Mr. Ross added some more emotional depth that the movies didn't have. And honestly, even though those movies had the beginnings of emotional depth, a lot of that really depended on us getting the archetypes and conventions with the minimum of chemistry between the actors, even though with all the stiltedness, Mark Hammil, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford did have some good chemistry with each other, especially with the semi-incestuous humorous love triangle.

Mr. Ross also had a couple great personal touches. The fact that after three years of doing his one man show, he could still laugh at the material really felt refreshing and sincere. He created the impression that he didn't just do the show for money, even though you have to give him credit for pulling off doing something so out of the ordinary, off the wall and just plain kooky and making a living off of it. After all, the whole thing had just fallen together for him through the years. You'll have to visit his Website to learn about the history of the show.

Also, after finishing the show, Mr. Ross came out and gave a pretty inspiring speech about following your dreams and not letting other people tell you that you can't do it. In this world, you can. After all, the One Man Stars Wars Trilogy really proves that if something crazy can work and become a success. The great thing, though, is that the speech didn't come off as cheesy or fake. His laughing while doing the show just goes to prove his sincerity about the whole, along with his fascination that something he did just for fun and entertainment can become a great phenomenon.

I give the show four and a half stars out of five. I take away a half star because of the two small bits where I got lost in the action. Can't really blame Mr. Ross, though. After all, he has condensed practically 5 or 6 hours of film footage into one hour.

After the show, the fiancee and I walked over to Finale, the restaurant that pretty much just serves dessert. I like their fruit and sorbet plate and the chocolate decadence (just a big lump of dark chocolate). They also have some good drinks, including many coffee and alcohol mixes (which I keep forgetting to ask for with no cream). Overall, though, I can't say that I'm as much of a fan as my fiancee and the other people who want to sample from the rest of the menu.

While waiting twenty minutes for a table, I remembered that I should call a friend to see if he wanted to hang out after the fiancee and I left Finale. He called me earlier to see if I wanted to play some Magic. By that time, though, he just wanted to stay home and probably do some school. I couldn't blame him.

He gave me a great tip for addressing my compulsion for improving my card playing. Him, another friend and I have recently been talking about something that we call the preparation to playing ratio. I told him that I should probably take a break from playing. He told me that instead of taking a break, that I should just increase the playing with other people side of the ratio.

I guess that makes some sense. At least, it does in the sense of "if you're going to play, you might as well play with other people and get something else out of it other than frustration from giving so much attention to it over other things." I will have to give that idea some serious consideration.

After Finale, the fiancee and I came home, made some tea, made a fire in the fireplace, set out some blankets on the floor then proceeded to watch Lost in Translation. That movie really fit my mood. It didn't necessarily fit the fiancee's mood. She wanted more of a comedy, but I think she got into it, mostly because she recognized a lot of the Japanese phrases and enjoyed the montage of Tokyo and Japanese scenery. Also, the movie really sets a strange bittersweet mood.

The two of us did some relationshippy good things then camped out in the living room, next to the fire. I had to wake up early in the morning to close the flue and had to adjust myself a bunch to adjust myself to floor. Nonetheless, I finally woke up this morning, feeling good and really inspired to do stuff, albeit a little sore.

So, here I am, about to do stuff.

Morning Haiku #2

Life in a hard age,
   Looking for inspiration.
Where do I find it?

Lewis Black ~ Weatherman

Instead of sending this bulletin to a few people in an e-mail, I really should have just put it here. Duh!

This morning, I heard on the radio that Lewis Black has accepted a job at the Weather Channel?

WTF?!

I guess he has always wanted to be a weatherman. . .go figure.

I'll tell you one thing, though, just so you won't get surprised later. No matter how worked up Lewis Black gets, he will never compare to Al Kaprelian, the most energetic weatherman, EVER!

UPDATE: Link to an article about this topic in Time Magazine -- http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1126733,00.html.

The article makes the issue unclear. Is Black's appearance just a one time thing or permaneant position?

Morning Haiku

I woke up today
   and took a nice, hot shower.
I fear the future.

I Complain Again

I'm not too proud of myself. I spent three hours playing Magic with myself.

That's right! Three hours.

I will punish myself by not letting myself do anything else before going to bed. . .because then I'll feel plenty guilty.

In the past, I've gone through a pattern of feeling uninspired to do projects then onto not having the motivation to work on the project to growing frustration that I'm not motivated to do the project then eventually that frustration leads to working on the project with all earnestness.

Now's something of a different time. Nonetheless, I think I've entered that cycle again.

Ugh.

Slightly Inspiring

I want to start carrying around a poetry book and break it out every once in awhile to read. My listless lack of inspiration has plagued me through the days lately. I feel that the quick jab of poetry would kick start my brain.

While reading some haikus on the commute today, I thought it would be fun to just write haikus on this here Blog when I just have a non sequitur in mind.

And crap. . .just a second ago, I had something on my mind that I wanted to type. I've gone and forgot it.

I think that's a sign for me to get to bed.

Be Kind to Be Tough

Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.

-Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd US President (1882-1945)

Short on Inspiration

Today didn't really do much for me, even though I liked the entry I wrote this morning.

Otherwise, the highlight of my day came when I had some hot chocolate early in the morning and some chocolate pudding around about lunch time.

I also enjoy the pecks my fiancee and I shared.

Well, maybe I enjoyed finally releasing that urge to play test that Magic deck that I kept thinking about last night. It kicked ass.

For some perverted reason, I enjoyed spending fifteen minutes to a half hour trying to figure out that Arial Narrow with .5 pt spacing works best on my resume. As I told my friend, I'm an Arial Narrow man. I think that font expresses me quite well.

Low point of the day came at the end of the work day when I just wanted to leave. I got to hear someone's opinion about how if immigrants come to America, they should learn the language. I wonder, does that person know that America doesn't have an official national language.

In the long run, I feel like I accomplished a fair amount of stuff tonight, just not really much worth writing about, is all.

Oh well.

Maybe I can get more than six hours of sleep tonight! Woohoo!

Elections

Please make sure to vote in your local elections tomorrow.

Little Annoyances

Ugh. . .I've got a headache and my throat hurts. Lozenges don't particularly help.

The "ADHD Attack" I had last night probably didn't help matters. Silly me, I spent a good deal of the day working on a Magic deck -- editing it, play testing it then thinking about it on the side as I did other things. Near time for bedtime, I play tested it, and it got killed pretty bad. I can rationally say that the other deck really had great luck in the draw, even though I kept thinking about one thing that I could've done. . .just one thing. . .and if somehow, I could recreate the situation. . ..

So I spent an hour, at least, lying in bed, telling myself that this obsessive thinking was just a symptom of my brain chemistry and not something to act upon. I kept repeating that phrase in my head as I also tried to repeat the Buddhist mantra, "Om Mani Padme Han" or something to that effect. For most of the time, my mind would keep going back to the card game. Even now, six or seven hours later, my mind keeps going back to wanting to play test the deck.

Unlike many times before, I didn't give up in frustration. I didn't get up then just tool around on the computer, read or something like that until I exhausted myself enough to fall asleep again. I kept on repeating the Buddhist mantra and my made up mantra this is just symptomatic thinking mantra. Suffice to say, it worked, and I eventually fell asleep.

Before falling asleep, though, I went through a stage in which my mind would come up with a completely random subject. For instance, the name, Kuran, came to mind. A kid who I attended basketball camp back when I was eleven or twelve had that name. I've never known anyone else who had that name nor did I ever see him again.

Remembering that name randomly just created a flood of reminders about basketball camp, my fellow campers and the events that going set off in my life. I stopped that train of thought before it go to far, though. I saw where it led: more obsessive trains of thought that could branch out to even more trains of thought and so on and so forth until I got stressed out that I hadn't fallen asleep. On top of that, I'd get all stressed out about some problem that I would make up just by some supposed lack of reconciliation from these events in my life.

All of that stress and anxiety, simply because of screwy brain chemistry and ignorance about this symptomatic thinking.

I had some other interesting stuff happen all the while. Mentally chanting my mantras and trying to not get stressed out by my symptomatic thinking, I showed and felt some signs of anxiety. My muscles would tighten. My face would go into strange expressions. I would also feel some interesting internal rushes of energy and some moments of relaxation.

Back in high school and probably the first half of college, I tried training myself to meditate but didn't pull it off that well. I experienced a lot of the stuff that I just mentioned. I just never thought of it as all symptomatic. If anything, I thought the signs of anxiety might be the feelings of relaxation or some new state of mind.

And now I know. . .it was just external and internal experiences of anxiety.

Luckily, during the latter part of college, the anxiety had calmed down, and I got the hang of meditating and relaxing. I have, unfortunately, lost the knack of it, even though baths and yoga and such help quite a bit.

A small part of me, though, fears relaxing too much and not caring about getting stuff done, as I thought I did one semester at school. Now, though, I see that I had some issues with situational depression and didn't have the understanding or knoweldge to do what I wanted at the time.

Being able to rationalize all this stuff and also comparing my experiences lately with things that people say about procrastination, I'm starting to wonder how much I really have symptoms of ADHD, or am I just anxious, stressed out, really busy, procrastinating a lot and just dwelling on the things that I enjoy doing because it helps get my mind off of the overall picture, my anxiety and stress.

I still have my suspicions, though, because I can get really hyperfocused on some of the most obscure things, like making things on my computer work, trying to make a nearly unstoppable Magic deck, the problems with the world and list can probably go on and on. I get so hyperfocused that things that really matter to me, like being affectionate with my fiancee, the news and just getting stuff done loses its importance. I just give it cursory acknowledgment then get back to my work.

Or I could just be a man. =D

The Weekend

As for the weekend, itself, I guess I did a bit of things. Saturday, I played Magic with a couple friends, attended to some projects then that night, went to T.T. the Bear's to see Ad Frank and something or the other. Reading the article in that link, I learned that I actually won a CD of an old band of his off of the UMASS Lowell college radio station back during my high school days.

I'm not sure what I think of Ad Frank, similar to the way I thought about his old band, Miles Dethmuffen. Ad Frank's new music, with the full band, has something of a psychedelic sound to it, but I've only heard it live. I liked bits of it, but the rest of it really didn't grab me that much. I have the feeling that it didn't catch my attention because I was hearing it in a club. I would need to hear a studio recording before I pass judgment on the band. I liked the guitar solos, some of the riffs, the energetic drumming, the grooves and the piano bits, but I'm not so sure what to think of it all together. . ..

Going to a live music performance always gives me an interesting experience. First off, I get stand around for awhile, allowing my legs just get real sore. I get to people watch, which has a lot more entertainment value now that I'm older and not all worried about meeting people and such. After all, I more than likely won't make a friend at a club, unless they're a friend with a friend of mine.

Then comes the actual performance. . .I rarely lose myself in it. Moby took me out of myself and gave me the most immediate experience up at a club in Burlington, VT. I thought a little here and there, but overall, the music and his performance really just overtook. I couldn't help but get all excited and dance and jump all around. I had to hug this girl that came with me and my group of fellow students at the end of the whole thing. . .she might've gotten some ideas, but I really wasn't bright enough back then to pick up on those ideas of hers.

Quick Fix (of who Eric Donahue backs Ad Frank these days, and I guess Jake Zavracky and Shane Phillips, all former members of Quick Fix used to back Ad Frank), by the time I saw them the forth or fifth time, could take me out of my mind, too, with their straightforward hard rocking. They really put on a great live show. Entertaining, too.

Unfortunately, they broke up. . ..

In general, though, live music really doesn't grab my attention these days. It rarely takes me out of myself and almost puts me more into my mind more, as I get all analytical about it and the performance. I get analytical a lot, as I mentioned first in this entry. Nonetheless, I really would like to keep going to clubs and seeing bands and such. I guess despite the analytical mindset (and sometimes I enjoy the analysis), I hold out hope for running into live music that can pull me out of my mind and get me to forget my worries and thoughts for some pure experience.

I'm crossing my fingers here. . ..

Random Thoughts

* There's a lot of banks in a big city. It could be difficult to find one that fits my needs and tastes in Chicago. Possibly helpful that I've found only one so far that focuses on community investment and social responsibility, even though it disconcerts my overall morality.

* I find the whole liberals and liberal judges as "elitist" argument very annoying. The big hullabaloo focuses around these people being a part of the intelligentsia. The forces of the intelligentsia, which is supposedly decadent and without morals, centers around the Northeast and the liberal areas, most importantly places like Harvard, Yale and such.

To me, it sounds like a fight against business people and people with a humanist, liberal education. The business people, unfortunately, know marketing and can tap into some supposed moral rhetoric while the liberal humanists have something of a more complicated, if more in touch with reality argument.

This issue probably has a lot more to it, but I can't organize it yet nor do I have the understanding, knowledge or time do so as of yet.

* On a somewhat ironic twist, since I can't organize these more liberal humanist and possibly more scientific arguments that my intuition follows, the reasonable people on the Right make a lot more logical and consistent sense to me than those on the Left.

I find this situation disconcerting because intuitively, I don't like many of the conclusions the people on the Right make. Without more understanding, knowledge and time, though, I can't make any kind of commitment.

* Not having time makes it hard to get understanding and knowledge, which means I have a difficult time trying to find that meaning I want.

I need to open up more time for me to do so.

I don't know where to start to open up more of this time.

Ugh.

The Noble Search

Meaning. . .

I remember someone who was a good friend tell me that he respected me for my search and my attempts to become a better person.

I believe many people have told me something to the same effect. Their words really didn't affect me.

That is, not until this week.

I started reading Herman Hesse's Steppenwolf. A passage in it addressed suicide and the character's intention not to seriously consider it until age 50. The passage also said something about people not actually doing it because of its sin quality, but committing suicide spiritually.

Also, the Steppenwolf suffers but not for any masochistic reason. Even though he wants to leave life, the Steppenwolf doesn't want to die without dignity. Committing suicide would not be dignified. Instead, he wants to fight back and have the vagaries of life kill him because fighting back and dying is more dignified than just giving up and killing your self.

Londo, in Babylon 5: In the Beginning, said that he respected that most of the humans. Another race with superior technology and nearly indestructible waged a holy war against the humans, but the humans fought back with all their might instead of surrendering, despite the innumerable casualties and most certain hopeless destruction of their race.

This week, I read an editorial about Allen Ginsburg. In it, the author invoked the spirit of the Beat Generation, or at least, the spirit of Ginsburg: that in the complacent '50s, Ginsburg and many of his fellows went on a search for meaning. They didn't rebel against the everyday just to rebel. The everyday had traces of human meaning. Ginsburg and his ilk wanted to recover that meaning.

I think I have an instinctual imperative to do these two things, fight against the river of complacent life and seek out genuine meaning for myself, humanity and the universe.

I shall make that something of a mission statement: to fight against the complacency of life and seek out genuine meaning for myself, humanity and the universe.

Rightful Liberty Quote

Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law' because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual.

-Thomas Jefferson, third US president, architect and author (1743-1826)

An Unfortunately Good Start to the Day

The work day has or will start in a couple minutes, depending on what clock you look at.

I haven't left home yet.

I have long commute ahead of me and won't get to work until late in the morning.

I feel very relaxed.

The Good and the Bad

Last night, I did pretty good. I focused on getting this organizing brief case portfolio thing at Staples then used it to organize my finance paperwork a little more.

This morning, not so great yet. I'm running 10 minutes late, and that's important when I use public transportation. I really need to get my ass into gear.

On an interesting note, I got an e-mail from my Internet bank letting me know that the rules say that I can only withdraw money from my account(s) six times in a month. I never knew that. . .interesting.

One of Life's Grand Ironies

That with so much to do on my plate and needing to get some better time management techniques and coping attitudes, I need to manage my time and cope to get them.

Isn't that one of those things they call a Catch-22?

Yet Another Late Night

I don't feel so bad about it.

I got most of my financial stuff cleared away. Twice a month, on payday, I set the night aside to address my finances.

In general, though, I'd like to focus a little more and get some better time management. Not like you already know it or anything.

I miss my past rambles about different cities, community and so forth. The holiday season, this move, the job search and getting inspired for my thesis has really taken some attention from me.

On an interesting note, I found some old Blog entries from 2002 on my work computer. I hope to transfer them onto this here Blog so as to consolidate it all. A two or three year will exist but that should provide something of an interesting contrast.

Well, I should head to bed now. . .it's late.

Too Good of a Quote to Pass Up

There is no Republican or Democratic way to collect the trash on time.

- Fiorella LaGuardia

I found it under the "Political Economy" entry in Wikipedia. The quote, itself, can be found under the heading Disposal.

What is This Time Thing

Something I wrote on someone else's Blog comment section in response to all the cramming they have to do for medical school:

I've heard caffeine will help the memory but not really with anxiety. . .or if you're trying to eventually sleep.

I've also heard distracting yourself every once in awhile or meditation and stuff can help every once in awhile, too.

But who has time for that stuff?

Bad but Not Bad

Sometimes, I just don't know anymore. I have sooooo much on my plate, especially since it's almost the holiday season.

I wrote more paragraphs in my thesis and half organized my receipts to make them ready for another process. Both of these are good things to do.

But I should be working on the invite list to the engagement party, putting together a Christmas list and if anything. . .working on my job search marketing materials.

Instead, I watch a TV movie that we have on DVD. It was productive. . .I answered a question that had been hankering me a little bit over the weekend.

Then I played that Shareware poker game on my computer, which is supposed to distract me only temporarily and calm me, so I can write better. I wrote OK, but it took about two hours of playing and going through some frustrated bits and bad luck to feel good enough to write.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I guess there's always tomorrow.

Another Weekend

Before going into anything much, check out The Roundtable of Strayz. A group of us have started up a discussion Blog. We haven't really found a focus or anything yet, but it has some good potential for some interesting discussion.

So another weekend has passed. Nothing much happened.

Went to an interesting dinner party with a bit of serious discussion about politics, philosophy and the dating game. Unfortunately, I had eaten the colossal breakfast at the Watertown diner that afternoon. I still had it in my belly at dinner. I feel very rude, especially since the hosts went out of their way to buy me a special meal of Ethiopian food. Hopefully the plum wine that I brought made up for it.

Almost made it up to Salem today for Halloween fun until someone threw up in a subway trash can. Honestly, not a huge loss for me. I didn't care too much about going. I really just went because I didn't want to give up a minisicule opportunity for fun. I ended up coming home to get a good amount of progress on projects.

At the end of the work week, I had started feeling generally tired and my belly felt generally weird. Not naseaous or anything. I just didn't care to eat. Friday night, I stayed in while the fiancee and some of her friends went out for some Halloween partying.

I finished up Asimov's Foundation and Earth. I actually finished it last night, but I read a huge chunk of it Friday. I think it rounded out the Robot, Empire and Foundation series (how can you pluralize the word series?). I read something of a review that many people thought it brought up to many questions. I honestly think that Asimov could have wrecked a good thing by stretching the whole thing any further.

I had a number of questions about the TV show, Babylon 5 after finishing Foundation and Earth. Not bad questions, just questions about the motivations of some of the Older Races. Both are good stuff, though.

Otherwise, I'm pretty frazzled. Tired.

Oh yeah. . .it snowed yesterday then had melted by this morning. While it snowed, a big branch above our driveway broke off and fell to the ground. Luckily, we could drive around it and head off to the dinner party.

I had an interesting together consolidating names, e-mail address and phone numbers of friends to invite to mine and the fiancee's engagement party and to give Christmas presents. It took me about an hour or so to list the names then find e-mail address for about 4/5 of the people. I figure this project will take me a small bit of time. If I haven't contacted you in awhile or know that I don't have your phone number, please get in touch with me to let me know both/either of them.

BTW, that shareware poker game I purchased over the Internet, possibly the best purchase I've made in awhile. It helps me to distract my brain from thinking about important projects. Or maybe I should say it distracts the conscious part of my brain, so I don't get anxious about a project and allow the unconscious side of my brain mix up the project thoughts with other thoughts or think about the project without straight lines and such. It helps a ton. . ..

But I'm feeling a little out of it with sleepiness. I should get to bed soon.

Goodnight.

A Play on Words

Money can't buy you love. . .

But it can steal away the sympathy that can help you feel loved.

A have a couple people I used to hang out with in the past who project a dark image. I don't know if they intentionally do it for humorous reasons, or if they just have real dark attitudes.

After an earlier entry, though, I've thought about taking a turn to dark humor. I seem to a good job at doing it unintentionally.

Hear I am, Standing Where I Always Have. . .

In a rut.

If I just went to a big college and the excitement died down, I'd probably susceptible to the seduction of some cult.

At least, if I weren't aware of the bad things about cults.

Still, I feel sad.

This entry feels like emotional manipulation. . .

Which I suck at, anyway.

Oh, crap.

I Shouldn't Have Done It

Like I said, I shouldn't have downloaded then bought a shareware texas holdem game for my computer.

Probably better that I just bought a game rather than play online, as I originally thought about doing. This way, I still waste time. I just don't end up losing money on gambling.

Tomorrow night, though, I have plans to gamble with some folks at a friend's apartment. We all should have a fun time.

The prospect of it has inconveniently thrust me into hyper focusing on learning better strategies than I had back when a bunch of us played weekly or bi-weekly or once a month. I probably broke even. After reading this strategy page to brush up on rules and such, though, I just really got into wanting to play better rather than just going with my gut (you know, like Steven Colbert on the Colbert Report. . .).

On the flipside, I wrote nearly a half page for my thesis with minimum thought. It worked somewhat the same way that I wrote a bunch after working on that Magic: The Gathering deck last week. Unfortunately, I worked on that deck for three hours and probably played computer poker for two to three hours today.

I couldn't get to a bunch of other stuff that I would have liked to do, like work on my resume, cover letter and that kind of stuff. I could just have a certain perspective on it, but 5 to 6 months with a bunch of holidays in the middle doesn't really feel like a long time.

Ah well. . .I am willing to attribute this whole phenomenon to possible ADHD, which leads me to my next topic.

Today, I got a call back from an off site department of Mass General Hospital. I think I mentioned last week the commercial I heard about MGH looking for people with ADHD to study. From what I gathered, they would do an evaluation of you for free. Sounds good for me.

The guy there explained to me a little about the ADHD study department and how they have a bunch of studies to do that can also help out the subjects. We scheduled a 20-minute phone screen tomorrow at around one. I'll have to get away from work and give up some lunch time to do it, but if I do have ADHD, I think addressing this matter without spending my money will prove quite beneficial.

As for now, though, my mind won't let me concentrate too well. It's time to settle down a little with the fiancee and watch some Daily Show and the Colbert Report (pronounce without the T, like they do in French).

Treat Them Children Right

What's done to children, they will do to society.
-Karl A. Menninger, psychiatrist (1893-1990)

Good Monday, Yeah, You're a Good Monday

I haven't been getting the Mondays lately. At least, not today nor last week. I think I just feel great after having a good weekend of sleep, despite the feeling of not accomplishing anything.

The week runs me down because I don't get enough sleep. I just have way too much to do these days.

I probably would stay up until midnight then wake up at six every day of the week, anyway. I enjoy dreams and sleep. I just don't like waking up to face another weekday. Week nights work best for me because I get to experience freedom. Week days cage me in their monotony and duty.

If you can't tell, I feel a little poetic at the moment.

I'm also listening to the now defunct Boston band, Quickfix. They exhausted me with their non-stop energy with a couple dirges of melancholy.

But today. . .I fell into a little irony.

Before going deeper into this puddle of irony, I have more revelation for the week of depression. I have the feeling that it came from my desire for community. As much as I suck with the social thing, I love to be social. Ironic, yes, but not the irony that I fell into today. But back to revelation: I think I had those obsessive thoughts about those two people because of this feeling of alienation and my huge desire for socializing.

I'm getting closer in the story to my fall into an irony puddle. It's not a tragic fall. . .more of a comedic one.

Last week, while thinking over working better with clients and giving them a better impression of myself and the agency (and also to do the same with people I like and want around me more), I came to the conclusion that in person and over the phone interaction works SO MUCH BETTER than the whole e-mail and letter thing. I can react quicker. My earnestness comes across better. The client and the friend have contact with more of a human presence then some kind of contrived appeal to emotion or reason.

Client-wise, I have had mixed results. One of them I think is really too busy for phone conversations or meeting in person. I keep trying, though, and when that doesn't happen, I send an e-mail. They work with the combination, too.

Another customer couldn't come to the phone often, either, so I had to resort to e-mail. When they saw that I had assumed that we had to move quicker than we needed, though, they called (I told them that we should do the final deal over the phone), and we had a humorous and friendly conversation about the mixed messages, wanting to get it over with and about home buying. I rather enjoyed the conversation.

This other time, I had a pretty good time listening to a customer, thinking up of an answer, handling it quite reasonably and rationally, giving them an answer then cycling this process over and over again. I rather enjoyed the conversation instead of dealing through e-mail or through letters. Humanity and fun does get communicated moreso through our voices than through e-mail and letters. The utilitarian that I am, I never thought about it that way before.

So, if you didn't know, we haven't reached the puddle of irony yet. Just one more step. . .Aaaaaaauuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

*SPLAT*

I started playing phone tag with an old friend who I haven't had contact with for about three years and another close friend. The close friend and I have pretty much resolved our phone tag goals. The old friend and I caught each other at one point, but since he caught me on my commute home, I had to let him go, telling him that I'd call him back tomorrow.

The old friend and I had a good conversation, catching up and surprising each other a little. Maybe I should say that he surprised me since he diverged from the course I thought he would follow. We haven't really caught up, though, so we'll have plenty to address when I call him next and the next time we meet up.

OK. The irony hasn't developed, even though I smashed my nose into the puddle. It needed time to develop. Annnnnnnddddddd the irony.............

Two friends I hadn't from for at least a month e-mailed me. One of them to invite me over for some poker and another to continue correspondence that got discontinued because his mail server kept on rejecting my e-mails.

Well, it's exciting to me. I feel darned frustrated and depressed last week because I don't feel like I've engaged in any good socialization for a long except with my girlfriend. I come up with some plans for becoming more social (including attending a men's discussion group at my old church). All this thinking, sadness and planning, then people from the past come out of the wood work to get back in touch with me.

Yeah, I'm happy.

Now to stay engaged, fully engaged. . .while still getting stuff done. We'll have to see how much I can do. . .

Especially with my move to Chicago in 5 to 6 months.

Dunh-dunh-duhhhhhhhhhh!

Yes, I'm feeling a little kooky. It's fun, though. Try it sometime.

Until the next time. . .farewell.

Another Meandering Weekend

I feel like I wasted another weekend.

I blame it on some stupid obsessive loop thinking that I fell into last weekend. See, every once in awhile, I have these thoughts about people who I briefly thought of as close friends but grew apart. I've had a lot of people who I considered good friends grow apart from me, but these two people stick in my head for reasons that I don't know nor will I disclose publicly. This type of thinking doesn't always present itself, but every once in awhile, rears its ugly head and harasses me.

It sucks.

But anyway, today, I feel like I figured out the trigger. Last week, I got into an argument with a current friend about something pretty inconsequential. We resolved our disagreement with a temporary impasse. Our discussion afterward about the argument, however, brought some revelations to us about ourselves and the ways we interact with people. Now, I believe that the revelations I had that night inspired me to think obsessively about those two friends from the past.

The thoughts about them still live up there in my head. I think connecting them with my argument from last week has helped to calm them down for now. I hope the calming will continue.

I also don't hesitate to blame work boring me, the feeling of being lost while doing my job search, feeling somewhat behind in life because I don't have a BA and not really having a regular community of people with which to interact as factors that inspire these annoying obsessive thoughts of mine.

They suck.

One thing that doesn't suck, though: The Babylon 5 first two scores by Christopher Franke of Tangerine Dream fame.

Yeah. . .RIGHT!

Few are altogether deaf to the preaching of pine trees. Their sermons on the mountains go to our hearts; and if people in general could be got into the woods, even for once, to hear the trees speak for themselves, all difficulties in the way of forest preservation would vanish.

-John Muir,
naturalist, explorer, and writer (1838-1914)

Time on Blogger

You know, setting the time zone on Blogger gets complicated. I think they have absolutely every time zone in existence on the Earth. Who knew that so many existed?

It's nice not having to adjust the time on every entry, though.

Maybe Shaw's right. Maybe I do accomplish a lot. =D

Revelations

I've come to think of this ADHD-I thing as something of a hypothesis to integrate into my life. It forms a new bit of data that makes more sense to my "personal history." I need to collect more impressions and testimony from people to understand the history better, though.

It may provide me with some good ways for making sense of my adolescence and college years.

I believe it may have created a presentation of myself that gave people some wrong impressions of me. In some ways, these wrong impressions worked against me, as in seventh grade when I got placed in lower level classes. It took my English teacher who attended my childhood church to recognize my potential. She intervened with my schedule and got me into a level higher class schedule, at least for Language Arts and possibly Social Studies and Science.

Another teacher, a student science teacher, also recognized my potential and intervened in a unique way. I got a bad grade on a multiple choice exam. She had me come into her class room during a study hall. She wanted me to take the exam again, but instead of multiple choice, she had me write an essay on the path blood takes through the heart and the functions of parts in the heart. I got a D or failed the first time, but the second time, I aced it.

On the other hand, though, the impression I sometimes create might create a more favorable situation than I realize. I won't go into details, but I'm starting to realize that in the first semester of my junior year at college, people may have had very good impressions of me. One person possibly may have provided me with ample opportunity for an interesting prospect, but I never realized it. In fact, many people might have done the same, but I never picked up on it.

Nonetheless, from the many chances that they tried giving me but I failed to take, I may have built up a reputation for being something I really wasn't. Then when a certain result occurred that taken from my light was innocent, frustrating and naive, I may've created a picture of myself as a certain level of jerk.

At the same time, my naive self continued to present myself as a pretty nice guy to people who didn't have certain aims for me, so on a poltical level, they didn't have a reason to out me. Maybe they thought they could get to me in a way that other people didn't appeal to me, so I wouldn't do such a jerky thing. Ironically, though, face to face, I wouldn't pick up on the opportunities laid on my lap.

So people would treat me in a certain way to possibly get something from me that I wanted from them, but I didn't see them trying to give it to me. The impression the campus had about me would continue and possibly grow, making me look better, or maybe it could develop in a negative direction but people couldn't necessarily understand how such a nice guy could be a jerk, but they didn't want to chance getting hurt by this jerk that acted all nice.

Long story short, I can see how a certain feedback and iteration system possibly was created through my clueless naivete while other people based their more wordly impression of me on hearsay and the types of things they would do in my position. In their minds, though, I probably did a much better job than them playing it cool when, in fact, I probably had absolutely no idea what was happening.

At the same time, those impressions of me could very well have formed the things that I wanted.

Interesting and amusing. I think on some level, other people have experienced something similar. In my case, though, I think my stubborness in one direction and isolation, to some degree, allowed for this atmosphere to persist.

Frustrating, though, because I believe that this atmosphere still affects me today.

I apologize for the vagueness in this entry. Unfortunately, any disclosure of names or even descriptions might incriminate others.

I may have to start up a personal journal, in addition to this Blog, though. Reading past journals with hindsight has helped me to understand things a lot more. I always see that as a good thing.

But I have so many damn other things to do. Crap!

Doing Well

I've done well today. I have remained very cognizant.

I actually suspected that I might not. I thought maybe having an egg last night would trigger off crazy loopiness and extra inattentiveness. I read that eggs can do that to people with ADHD. I recently started eating eggs, and thought that might be the reason for my recent loopiness. I have no conclusive evidence showing the truth to that idea.

At work, I inadvertently came up with a solution for the issue that I indirectly addressed last night. It came to me quite inadvertently. I gave my opinion to a co-worker about how we should handle the situation.

After going back to my desk, my mind started looking at different aspects of that kind of insurance policy. The answer suddenly rushed into my head. Focus on the other aspects of the policy that the limit increase affects. Duh! Silly me!

I guess that route to the solution shows how our unconscious minds can reach a solution in the most indirect, lateral route.

I had a similar thing happen when I came home from work. I effectively procrastinated a little by working on a Magic deck (No, I will not reveal the details of my tweaking for the benefit of my opponents). I worked on it for probably about two and a half hours. Traditionally, I would say that I shouldn't have spent so much time on it.

I should have focused on my thesis, on my job search, on answering e-mails, etc. etc.

The funny thing, though, is that after spending a ton of time on deck arranging, I somehow just sat down and wrote a good paragraph for my thesis without stopping to think that much. I guess the idea about distracting your brain rather than working damned hard on solving or doing something cognitively really can help out a lot to accomplish that goal.

The indirectness really can get confusing, though. How do we figure out the line between procrastinating to put off something and procrastinating to allow the unconscious mind to think? Tonight, getting home from work, I did the whole thing spontaneously when I had plans to work studiously on my thesis and job hunt. I didn't mean to work so long on the Magic deck, but I just got carried away, and somehow. . .it worked out for my benefit.

Inadvertently having things work out as compared to playing Magic Friday night with intention of distracting my brain from all my frustrations. Then I feel like I waste away the weekend not doing much more than recovering from staying up late Friday and not getting much sleep over the week.

Go figure. . ..

I even started editing the resume that the career counsellor made up for me. Maybe I should have listened to other people. The grammar hurts. It has just a mass of adjectives and ideas all stuck together. It follows my old way of thinking at work. Too much information!

Oh well. . .it has a good base to it. I just need to work on it quite a bit before I feel confident about it and feel that it represents me and the way I want to present my writing.

I must be going, though. It's almost Wednesday, and I have TV to watch.

Argh. . .it never ends.

Strange. . .

I think I've entered a weird stage in this career/searching for a job/life thing.

Ever since I joined an ADHD list on Yahoogroups, I've discovered a lot of "symptoms" of ADHD-Inattentive that I may have. I've mentioned this before. Being conscious of these things gives me a strange sense of empowerment and "What do I do about it?"

I think we all enjoy learning about ourselves, but sometimes the things that I learn make me question the things that I've learned before. My sense of myself and reality has somewhat flipped inside out.

Over the last week or so, I've run into barriers regarding my writing, something I had always thought I excelled at. Tons of people complimented me on my writing. I got up to my senior year of college, working on a novel and writing a thesis. Even now, I think those same people still enjoy my writing. I don't doubt my writing when it comes to certain styles, like on this Blog, journaling, even novel writing.

Lately, though, at work I've been swinging back and forth from giving so much information that I confuse clients and fearing that I don't give enough that they might assume something incorrect. I want to find a happy in between.

I also have found myself swinging back and forth between acting like a hard ass on clients and trying to figure out how flexible I can be without causing a problem with the company.

I don't have any immediate examples that come to mind except dealing with a certain product. Most insurance companies want to have their client insure their homes for the full amount that it takes to replace their home. A couple of these companies have an endorsement called Guaranteed Replacement Cost, which means if the house burns down or somthing, the company will pay whatever it takes to put the house back up. The crux of the problem: do I try convincing the customer that has Guaranteed Replacment Cost to increase their limits or do I just let it go and hope that nothing happens?

So yeah. . .I have a lot of spectrums that I have to ride on any day at work. I have to strike a lot of balances. I have to act as sales person while also regulating customers so that they don't cheat the insurance company. Then I ge to try looking out for customers when they don't necessarily want coverage. They just want what they need to satisfy their mortgage company.

I get frustrated and flustered. I guess I find assessing a person difficult -- their personality, what they want out of the interaction, how I can satisfy them, etc. etc.

I also get frustrated because I would like to have a genuine interaction with these people. My dad, my boss, somehow does it. I don't really get it.

Of course, there's always the fact that I don't necessarily want to work in insurance, in the first place.

Nonetheless, all this frustration and doubt has gotten me thinking about my future potential career. I wonder how I will get into public relations or copy writing when I have some trouble writing letters and trying to interact with customers on something of an everyday basis.

My mind has somewhat just filled up with a bunch of flustering frustration. It has gone blank.

So I fall back on the refrain of life has a learning curve. I'll figure out something sometime. I'm sure a bit of the stuff going through my head has to do with the changes going on in my life these days.

More on that later, though. Now I need sleep.