Thursday, October 20, 2005

Revelations

I've come to think of this ADHD-I thing as something of a hypothesis to integrate into my life. It forms a new bit of data that makes more sense to my "personal history." I need to collect more impressions and testimony from people to understand the history better, though.

It may provide me with some good ways for making sense of my adolescence and college years.

I believe it may have created a presentation of myself that gave people some wrong impressions of me. In some ways, these wrong impressions worked against me, as in seventh grade when I got placed in lower level classes. It took my English teacher who attended my childhood church to recognize my potential. She intervened with my schedule and got me into a level higher class schedule, at least for Language Arts and possibly Social Studies and Science.

Another teacher, a student science teacher, also recognized my potential and intervened in a unique way. I got a bad grade on a multiple choice exam. She had me come into her class room during a study hall. She wanted me to take the exam again, but instead of multiple choice, she had me write an essay on the path blood takes through the heart and the functions of parts in the heart. I got a D or failed the first time, but the second time, I aced it.

On the other hand, though, the impression I sometimes create might create a more favorable situation than I realize. I won't go into details, but I'm starting to realize that in the first semester of my junior year at college, people may have had very good impressions of me. One person possibly may have provided me with ample opportunity for an interesting prospect, but I never realized it. In fact, many people might have done the same, but I never picked up on it.

Nonetheless, from the many chances that they tried giving me but I failed to take, I may have built up a reputation for being something I really wasn't. Then when a certain result occurred that taken from my light was innocent, frustrating and naive, I may've created a picture of myself as a certain level of jerk.

At the same time, my naive self continued to present myself as a pretty nice guy to people who didn't have certain aims for me, so on a poltical level, they didn't have a reason to out me. Maybe they thought they could get to me in a way that other people didn't appeal to me, so I wouldn't do such a jerky thing. Ironically, though, face to face, I wouldn't pick up on the opportunities laid on my lap.

So people would treat me in a certain way to possibly get something from me that I wanted from them, but I didn't see them trying to give it to me. The impression the campus had about me would continue and possibly grow, making me look better, or maybe it could develop in a negative direction but people couldn't necessarily understand how such a nice guy could be a jerk, but they didn't want to chance getting hurt by this jerk that acted all nice.

Long story short, I can see how a certain feedback and iteration system possibly was created through my clueless naivete while other people based their more wordly impression of me on hearsay and the types of things they would do in my position. In their minds, though, I probably did a much better job than them playing it cool when, in fact, I probably had absolutely no idea what was happening.

At the same time, those impressions of me could very well have formed the things that I wanted.

Interesting and amusing. I think on some level, other people have experienced something similar. In my case, though, I think my stubborness in one direction and isolation, to some degree, allowed for this atmosphere to persist.

Frustrating, though, because I believe that this atmosphere still affects me today.

I apologize for the vagueness in this entry. Unfortunately, any disclosure of names or even descriptions might incriminate others.

I may have to start up a personal journal, in addition to this Blog, though. Reading past journals with hindsight has helped me to understand things a lot more. I always see that as a good thing.

But I have so many damn other things to do. Crap!

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