Monday, November 07, 2005

Little Annoyances

Ugh. . .I've got a headache and my throat hurts. Lozenges don't particularly help.

The "ADHD Attack" I had last night probably didn't help matters. Silly me, I spent a good deal of the day working on a Magic deck -- editing it, play testing it then thinking about it on the side as I did other things. Near time for bedtime, I play tested it, and it got killed pretty bad. I can rationally say that the other deck really had great luck in the draw, even though I kept thinking about one thing that I could've done. . .just one thing. . .and if somehow, I could recreate the situation. . ..

So I spent an hour, at least, lying in bed, telling myself that this obsessive thinking was just a symptom of my brain chemistry and not something to act upon. I kept repeating that phrase in my head as I also tried to repeat the Buddhist mantra, "Om Mani Padme Han" or something to that effect. For most of the time, my mind would keep going back to the card game. Even now, six or seven hours later, my mind keeps going back to wanting to play test the deck.

Unlike many times before, I didn't give up in frustration. I didn't get up then just tool around on the computer, read or something like that until I exhausted myself enough to fall asleep again. I kept on repeating the Buddhist mantra and my made up mantra this is just symptomatic thinking mantra. Suffice to say, it worked, and I eventually fell asleep.

Before falling asleep, though, I went through a stage in which my mind would come up with a completely random subject. For instance, the name, Kuran, came to mind. A kid who I attended basketball camp back when I was eleven or twelve had that name. I've never known anyone else who had that name nor did I ever see him again.

Remembering that name randomly just created a flood of reminders about basketball camp, my fellow campers and the events that going set off in my life. I stopped that train of thought before it go to far, though. I saw where it led: more obsessive trains of thought that could branch out to even more trains of thought and so on and so forth until I got stressed out that I hadn't fallen asleep. On top of that, I'd get all stressed out about some problem that I would make up just by some supposed lack of reconciliation from these events in my life.

All of that stress and anxiety, simply because of screwy brain chemistry and ignorance about this symptomatic thinking.

I had some other interesting stuff happen all the while. Mentally chanting my mantras and trying to not get stressed out by my symptomatic thinking, I showed and felt some signs of anxiety. My muscles would tighten. My face would go into strange expressions. I would also feel some interesting internal rushes of energy and some moments of relaxation.

Back in high school and probably the first half of college, I tried training myself to meditate but didn't pull it off that well. I experienced a lot of the stuff that I just mentioned. I just never thought of it as all symptomatic. If anything, I thought the signs of anxiety might be the feelings of relaxation or some new state of mind.

And now I know. . .it was just external and internal experiences of anxiety.

Luckily, during the latter part of college, the anxiety had calmed down, and I got the hang of meditating and relaxing. I have, unfortunately, lost the knack of it, even though baths and yoga and such help quite a bit.

A small part of me, though, fears relaxing too much and not caring about getting stuff done, as I thought I did one semester at school. Now, though, I see that I had some issues with situational depression and didn't have the understanding or knoweldge to do what I wanted at the time.

Being able to rationalize all this stuff and also comparing my experiences lately with things that people say about procrastination, I'm starting to wonder how much I really have symptoms of ADHD, or am I just anxious, stressed out, really busy, procrastinating a lot and just dwelling on the things that I enjoy doing because it helps get my mind off of the overall picture, my anxiety and stress.

I still have my suspicions, though, because I can get really hyperfocused on some of the most obscure things, like making things on my computer work, trying to make a nearly unstoppable Magic deck, the problems with the world and list can probably go on and on. I get so hyperfocused that things that really matter to me, like being affectionate with my fiancee, the news and just getting stuff done loses its importance. I just give it cursory acknowledgment then get back to my work.

Or I could just be a man. =D

The Weekend

As for the weekend, itself, I guess I did a bit of things. Saturday, I played Magic with a couple friends, attended to some projects then that night, went to T.T. the Bear's to see Ad Frank and something or the other. Reading the article in that link, I learned that I actually won a CD of an old band of his off of the UMASS Lowell college radio station back during my high school days.

I'm not sure what I think of Ad Frank, similar to the way I thought about his old band, Miles Dethmuffen. Ad Frank's new music, with the full band, has something of a psychedelic sound to it, but I've only heard it live. I liked bits of it, but the rest of it really didn't grab me that much. I have the feeling that it didn't catch my attention because I was hearing it in a club. I would need to hear a studio recording before I pass judgment on the band. I liked the guitar solos, some of the riffs, the energetic drumming, the grooves and the piano bits, but I'm not so sure what to think of it all together. . ..

Going to a live music performance always gives me an interesting experience. First off, I get stand around for awhile, allowing my legs just get real sore. I get to people watch, which has a lot more entertainment value now that I'm older and not all worried about meeting people and such. After all, I more than likely won't make a friend at a club, unless they're a friend with a friend of mine.

Then comes the actual performance. . .I rarely lose myself in it. Moby took me out of myself and gave me the most immediate experience up at a club in Burlington, VT. I thought a little here and there, but overall, the music and his performance really just overtook. I couldn't help but get all excited and dance and jump all around. I had to hug this girl that came with me and my group of fellow students at the end of the whole thing. . .she might've gotten some ideas, but I really wasn't bright enough back then to pick up on those ideas of hers.

Quick Fix (of who Eric Donahue backs Ad Frank these days, and I guess Jake Zavracky and Shane Phillips, all former members of Quick Fix used to back Ad Frank), by the time I saw them the forth or fifth time, could take me out of my mind, too, with their straightforward hard rocking. They really put on a great live show. Entertaining, too.

Unfortunately, they broke up. . ..

In general, though, live music really doesn't grab my attention these days. It rarely takes me out of myself and almost puts me more into my mind more, as I get all analytical about it and the performance. I get analytical a lot, as I mentioned first in this entry. Nonetheless, I really would like to keep going to clubs and seeing bands and such. I guess despite the analytical mindset (and sometimes I enjoy the analysis), I hold out hope for running into live music that can pull me out of my mind and get me to forget my worries and thoughts for some pure experience.

I'm crossing my fingers here. . ..

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