A Couple of My Thoughts on How to Survive and Succeed at Dating, Sales, Pitching and Job Searching

I haven't had to "Play the Game" for 12 years now, but here's a couple of my thoughts on dating and rejection:

1. If you've learned to stay sane while job searching, pitching stories or anything sales-related, it can be something like that. I'm not one to promote objectifying yourself or other people, but this is one of those places that it can be beneficial. Stay true to yourself, don't oversell, like yourself and respect other people, beyond that, it's marketing, sales and not getting caught up in closing the deal or things not working out.

One thing I've read and learned: some sales people focus so much on closing ALL their deals or that BIG deal that they don't evaluate the chance at success. They just keep pushing, spending money, losing time, etc. etc. on something that will never close and may slip through their fingers the next time the client is looking to make a purchase or renew the deal.

Most successful sales people work through references and the easy, profitable sales. Quality and receptiveness above quantity. The 80/20 rule - Focus on the 20% of your customers that make you 80% of your revenue compared to the 80% of the customers that make you 20% of your revenue.

As for the pitching ideas or job searching, the sanest thing to do there is send off the pitch or cover letter/resume. Forget you did it and work on the next pitch/resume. If it's something you REALLY want, maybe you'll follow up or something, but only if you REALLY want it. Otherwise, forget it until you get a call back for an interview. Do the interview, send a thank you e-mail/letter then forget it. Move onto the next prospect/sale. Keep prospecting/selling/pitching until you land the closing or job. Forget your inquiries until they come back to you.

2. The other thing is to always be observant of opportunities and jump on the ones you want. Don't hesitate to ask dumb questions. One thing I read the other day: "If someone compliments you on something you've done, ask them if they've got a project or job that will pay you to do it." Someone will inevitably have something for you.

In other words, if you see someone looking at you the whole night at a party or something, take action. In that situation, it doesn't even have to be snazzy or clever or anything.

My equation for success in this situation: Try to have a small conversation until you find something in common then Compliment them (You're pretty) then mention something you have in common (when I first met my wife, I said "You like Buffy") then make your move (something as simple as "Can I kiss you?"). If they're receptive, they'll totally go for it.

3. Move quick. Try to get a date the first time you meet them or very soon after. No one likes the phrase "The Friend Zone," and people can still avoid it. Nonetheless, the more you skirt around the issue, the more the other person will get confused, tired and just give up if they aren't sure but think you might be interested. Other people plain just don't know you're interested. Expressing your interest is something to be clear about.

And I don't mean telling them you love them or any crazy extravagant or disrespectful proposal or expression of feeling. In the beginning, we're all floating on clouds and melodramatic. Expressing our true feelings at that time can scare someone. I'm just talking about asking someone out on a date, following my step 2 of making moves and such. The crazy propositions and expressions of love are when you're both head over heels over each other and struggling to just think about everyday things.

4. If an opportunity for fun and adventure with someone pops, say "YES!" and take it. If it's someone or something that you can't stand, say no. But if you're not sure, don't have opinion and just plan plain neutral, say "YES!" and see what happens. It could turn out to be real fun. Worse that can happen is a break up eventually.

5. Don't get stuck in a rut. Try something new. If you're with someone and after a degree of serious analysis, if it's not working, end it. If you've been with someone for awhile, though, take time to analyze whether it's working or not. Trying to address objectively to figure out if it's really not working or just something you're feeling in the moment. But if you haven't made any serious commitment, end things and move on.

6. Be cool. Don't get worked up over things. Have fun. No one likes someone who's thinking too much or sweating.

The rejection might not be about you unless you make it about you. If you can learn something about it, cool. My main lesson was express interest and try to get that first date quick. You can always figure out stuff later.

If there's nothing to learn, though, don't fret and just move on. Life is too short to get caught up in self doubt that doesn't lead to growth, self doubt over stuff that other people don't mind and also, it's too short to being a dick and disrespecting other people.

7. Another important lesson/thought from my experience: Whatever you do, DO NOT dump someone in public.

Start of a Series -- Two Experiments in One: Beat Structure and Shorter Blog Entries

This entry starts a series of entries. I started writing a larger essay then got the compulsion to publish sections of it as I finish. This way feels more amenable to the blog form compared to my usual long essay form.

I need a better writing process. An afternoon and evening wasted a couple weeks ago writing a blog entry that I never published made this point clear. Take into further consideration that

• I've been working on my bachelor's project for 10+ years
• Regular frustration of too much time spent writing without enough returns
• That I want to have a career in writing some day

I need a more efficient writing process and experimenting with a beat process feels like a good place to start.

Up to now for blog entries, I've mostly used a stream of consciousness approach. Only about five years ago did I start using an outline process for my expository writing to any extent. My outlining process still follows a linear stream of consciousness approach, however. Linear and stream of consciousness have their places; probably not with the early stages of purposeful dramatic and expository writing. I run into too many disadvantages.

Linear stream of consciousness writing with a clear end goal becomes time and effort consuming. Numerous distractions steer writers away from efficiency and productivity. To me, these pitfalls don't offer returns worth the investment.

The next entry in this series is Complaint About Stream of Consciousness Writing: Don't Always Know When I'm Done.

Malnutrition Posing as Burn Out

Around the time that I stopped writing, my consciousness felt like it was spinning out of control. I lost a lot of motivation. I felt down. I think I may have even felt a little paranoid or attributing unrealistic motivations to people, especially the wife. I intelligently didn't act overtly on my discontent except to voice my frustration about not understanding the things happening around me or engaging in healthy habits.

Feeling out of touch with my myself in all sorts of way, I started journaling privately again. I had a need to turn inward. If I couldn't pinpoint an issue with the world around me, maybe the issue lay within me. I also had plenty of things I wanted to write about that this blog would provide an appropriate venue, whether because of privacy issues or because my topics and meanderings wouldn't have appeal to a public audience. Frankly, I didn't feel as if my thoughts, reflections or activities really would fit here.

Actually, I didn't engage in many habits other than journaling until a few weeks ago. Going to Jamaica with the wife for a long weekend could possibly prove a healthy habit, but we've only done that once. If only. . ..

A few weeks ago, though, I really had hit a bottom. My wife had gone away for the weekend on a business trip. I pretty much just sat at home, watching tons and tons of TV. All the while, I wondered why I couldn't get my ass off the gear. I told myself to do it, and I just didn't do it. I wasn't physically sick, I just didn't do things that I told myself to do. I could move my arms, wiggle my fingers and toes and all that. I just didn't have the willpower to do the things I wanted to do.

A friend of a friend even was putting on a concert to fund raise for cancer or some other important cause. Many things I value there: a cause, socializing, bar and checking out new music. Did I want to go out? Nope, not one bit.

By the end of that weekend, I remember that I had taken some "whole" supplements to deal with coming off an ADHD medication. I had just come to Chicago, didn't have health insurance, didn't have a job and only had limited money to live on until I got a job. I didn't have to worry about losing the roof over my head or anything, but I still wanted to watch my money. . .and having an expensive medication to help me perform better didn't make it to the top of my list of priorities.

Funny thing: I performed better and accomplished more on the "whole" supplements rather than on the ADHD medication.

I had stopped taking those "whole" supplements, however, because I ended up dealing with another problem using something else. I thought that something else interacted with the "whole" supplement weird and that that something else would actually help fix what the "whole" supplement had supposedly fixed. So I went on my merry way for about a year.

Looking back, now, over the the last year or so, though, I can see that my performance and productivity had suffered. A couple weeks ago, though, I just needed something to kick me in the ass and get me going, doing the things that I needed and wanted to do, to bring that shininess back to the world, too.

I started taking the "whole" supplement again. It helped immediately. I started having the ability to focus a lot more.

When the wife and I went to Jamaica, I ended up taking the primary vitamin/mineral in the "whole" supplemented that I needed. I didn't want to face anything going through customs by bringing this "whole" supplement with me. It's a perfectly legal "whole" supplement, but I didn't want to have to deal with any trouble. I get anxious enough just flying in a plane or going through security. The pure vitamin/mineral had some interesting side effects that didn't make me too uncomfortable, and it still helped me to focus.

I started doing some more research after coming back from Jamaica. Since then, I've been making sure to eat foods with a lot more healthy stuff in them, from more protein to more minerals to more vitamins. It's some exciting stuff to read about and even more exciting to live through.

I feel great! I've got more energy, more focus, more happiness. I haven't been able to keep it up steadily, but I think that's just because I haven't been doing a great job getting enough protein for awhile now except at lunch. Tonight I made sure to have a protein shake, and I feel much better. My mood feels good and pleasant.

Too bad I've had a time crunch of spending some extra time after work, getting my grocery shopping done, cleaning the dishes and making lunch for tomorrow. At least I'm not getting down on myself for never having enough time. Tomorrow will be a better day, and I'll get home earlier since I don't have to grocery shop. Then I've got the weekend to work on my projects.

All is good, just as long as I keep making sure I put the good stuff in my body. Think of that next time you're feeling down, unfocused and unmotivated, find out what the good stuff is and put it in you.

Unfortunately, I can't provide advice on the good stuff because my professional capacity puts me into a strange capacity that might convince people to listen to me. I don't want someone to get all screwed up because I said try something, and they trusted me. I found out all this stuff by doing my own research and listening to my skeptical common sense about it all. I think you can do it, too. It just takes time and effort. It's not that hard.

So yeah, that's how I thought I was burnt out but was probably malnourished.

Reading List for Amateur & Prospective Writers, Editors and Other Publishing Professionals

Kids, reading the appropriate manual listed below is essential and a pre-requisite for getting a job in writing or publishing. Fail to read the right one and lose. I know that I have missed out so far and hopefully reading the first entry on the list will help me get into my desired field.



The Chicago Manual of Style by Chicago Editorial, University of Chicago, University of Chicago Press. From Google Books: ". . .the essential reference for authors, editors, proofreaders, indexers, copywriters, designers, and publishers in any field. . .."




The Associated Press Stylebook and Libel Manual by Norm Goldstein, Associated Press. "That bible of the newspaper industry" -- American Bookseller, June 1997."




MLA Style Manual and Guide to Scholarly Writing by Joseph Gibaldi, Modern Language Association of America. Also from Google Books: "Since its publication in 1985, the "MLA Style Manual" has been the standard guide for graduate students, teachers, and scholars in the humanities and for professional writers in many fields."



AMA Manual and Style: A Guide for Authors and Editors by Cheryl Iverson, Stacey Christiansen, American Medical Association, Annette Flanagin. From the indispensible Google Books: "For decades indispensable, the AMA Manual of Style continues to provide editorial support to the medical and scientific publishing community."



So, people in the know, did I miss any other essential guides?

Writing What You Know

I don't know what to think about it, but I can probably consider the last 5 or so years working in the insurance industry as research. The ideas of risk, losses, risk management, peace of mind and hazard, especially morale hazard, have become vital to at least one paper. . .and could easily become important to the other papers, too.

All the above have become central concepts in insurance, and I read about them years ago, near the beginning of my career in insurance. Unfortunately, I didn't perceive the helpfulness of these concepts to my project until recently. I think this failing on my part came from

+ Something of an unconscious thought process that insurance and my project couldn't have much of anything in common

+ Not having the right frame of mind when being introduced to these insurance concepts to incorporate them into my project. Didn't help that I really had no idea of how to define utopia and dystopia in ways that could apply in a universal manor to utopias and dystopia

After reading some social psychology, including the importance of having the needs for meaning fulfilling for people, and reconciling social psychology and needs for meaning with arguments for human rights and people's psychological motivations for being social rather than anti-social, the need for insurance terms, especially morale hazard, came to the fore.

I won't need the insurance terms so much, though. Using those terms in the context of my project became somewhat problematic. They get used in a professional context and could end up sounding judgmental of the people I'm writing about and non-professionals in the world. And the recent studying I did for continuing ed credits reminded me that people in the insurance industry are professionals, so they have more knowledge than someone else who doesn't really think much about insurance and have the responsibility to help other people understand their insurance policies, situations and concepts.

Even the reasonable, prudent person test can have its problems for the context of my project. This reasonable, prudent person, I believe, fits into the same archetype of the economic man, who is rational and self-interested. We all know people like this, but we also know plenty of people who differ from this archetype.

From somewhere, I've even read that someone who has the knowledge of economic concepts probably fits this archetype more than most, but, in addition, they probably have less pro-social tendencies. In other words, someone with the knowledge of an economist will probably be so rational and self-interested that they have less compassion for their fellow humans.

We all have reached different parts of our lives where we have reached different stages of career, knowledge, instinct, spirituality, etc. etc. Our backgrounds can dictate a fair amount of our destiny. Our social environment and genetic, biological makeup can determine our fate. Sure, we have free will to an extent and all the factors involved combine to create an individual.

Throw all the above factors together, however, along with the large amount of people in poverty, having had bad educations, having stronger motivations for crime that sends them to jail, having grown up in the mob, having grown up in an environment that got you ownership of a corporation but no conscience, having lived with a biker gang, having lived in a cult and the range of experience of people that form their identities can almost reach infinity. Nonetheless, do these life experiences that don't encourage people to develop their sense to avoid loss mean that they're any less human?

I prefer not to believe so. At the level of their humanity, they deserve as much respect as anyone else. Trying to teach them the importance of avoiding loss would certainly benefit them and the world, but the fact that they don't know now does not make them dumb or any less of a person. Hell, they may have some advanced knowledge that we don't know and could help make things more interesting and better for the person who knows better ways to avoid loss.

So I decided to approach the problem from social psychology, specifically by addressing the issue with the concept of diffusion of responsibility, a phenomenon that can actually provide for a motivation to allow for morale hazards in your own life. In many ways, not addressing an issue can make life easier, but dealing with it can also help improve the quality of life.

At least, it can help the quality of life as long as you direct all your energy trying to avoid loss. Doing that can lead you to no longer live life. Enjoyment of life requires that we take risks, which, in itself, could be seen as a form of morale hazards and diffusion of responsibility. Being too cautious leads to staying bed all day, not driving on the roads, staring at the walls and ceiling, trying not to think and all types of neurotic behavior.

Sure, I guess a monk that meditates all day could fall into this category, but, in some ways, even a meditating monk takes risks when meditating. . .not being able to focus and concentrate is failure to some degree. Someone could take that as an indication that they're a failure, and that they're worthless. There you go, someone trying to do nothing and think nothing has just gone had a loss to their self esteem.

Yes, all this thinking came from "research" into the insurance industry and insurance concepts combined into studying into social psychology. Who would have thought so much could come out of these two fields that most people probably don't think about at the same time? Go figure. . ..

Then again, this is me we're talking about. . ..

Have I Fallen that Behind on Internet Trends?

The Chicago Red Eye says:

Blogging Over?
Experts say craze fading, some say it's just evolving

Well, crap! I've fallen behind, yet again. Maybe I really do need to get on over to Second Life or get my butt on over to China.

Seriously, though, my ability to keep with this stuff has gotten horrible with age while my dreams and ambitions have stayed the same as my teenage self. I really do need to get a best seller sold or get moving on some kind of freelance writing career. This whole hanging out an insurance agency and doing things for money really just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm turning into a dinosaur.

On a good note, finished another draft of the angsty mental power short story, and it has gone into some interesting directions. Now to type it up, submit it to the Chicago-SF writing workshop then get some writing done on that novel. Yay!

Search for Real Life Jobs on Second Life

This one really takes the cake:

Help Wanted in Second Life

Dang! I thought I would just have to market my writing on Second Life. Now I have to search for a real life job on Second Life.

I have a whole lot to catch up on, on top of working on wedding vows and writing a novel and bachelors project. It should all come in time after I've finally gotten my insurance license.

Still. . .it's a lot for someone near-30 to take in. Thing is, except for this falling behind the tech, my dreams and aspirations make me still feel like a teenager or college student. I feel disconcerted. . ..

A Culmination of 2 Years

This upcoming Friday, the 13th, should become the culmination of about 2 years of my life. I take the Life, Accident & Health licensing exam. If I pass it, I'll consider my job search complete, as I will fulfill the qualifications for the job I've worked for the last three months or so.

I feel pretty confident about passing. Each day until then, I will study but mainly to keep myself sharp on the subject rather than to learn anything new. I don't have full knowledge of the topics, nor do I expect to get that kind of score on the exams. The knowledge I have, though, I believe will be enough for me to get a 70% and pass.

Then I get back to really writing and working on my bachelor's thesis. I feel so confident about the exam, actually, that I think I'll probably get back to working on my current short story. Yay.

Things get serious after Friday, though. I will get moving on with my life, finally!

Chaulk Full of Writing and Career Goodness

JOB OFFER INTERVIEW

I had an interesting interview with an insurance agency today, after I had the first interview with them last week. They called me earliesh today to see if I could come in for a job offer. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive an offer. They received an ideal salary figure from me, however.

Since I can worry a little too much about these things, I won't say much more about it. They want to call me tomorrow after discussing the situation. Whether that means they'll give me a counter offer or not, I don't know. I didn't get much to work with in regards to me asking way too much or if they really just need to think about it.

Until I hear from them, I'll act like I don't have chance. "First thing" tomorrow, I'll start in on the want ads and querying for positions again.

PROVIDING CAREER ADVICE TO THE YOUNG

On Christmas day, I got a cool inadvertent present. The fiancee and I went out to the Western suburbs to have Christmas with family friends. A teenage guy turning 17 there has done some thinking about going to college for writing and getting a career in the field.

The two of us got talking about his prospects, his future and the potential of a writing career and education. It allowed me to try articulating my current problem of being a writer and not having good well paying work other than possibly in insurance. In other words, I had the chance to practice the college and career discussion that I probably will have someday with my own kid.

This time, however, I don't have the disadvantage of being this guy's parent. His parents (or, at least, his dad) gave him some good advice. A writing career doesn't really have the best chance of making a very good living, so he should check out other careers. At the least, he should do so until his writing career takes off. I have no idea whether he took the advice from his dad all that serious. When I gave him similar advice, though, he did reference back to his dad's advice.

My age probably has had a little something to do with possibly receiving more respect in this discussion, if I got more. My own struggles may provide reason for taking me more seriously. From what I know, only the fiancee has provided an example or talked to this guy about writing. She hasn't reached her career goal, but she has done well to prepare herself for it.

Me, I don't have much to show for my real career and education except for three-ring binders of rough drafts, ideas that I throw around and some of the business knowledge that I've garnered here and there. The fiancee makes for a much better example of success in the publishing and media field.

I provide the example of struggling artist, something of a slacker and who has had plenty of trouble realizing my goals, even though I stubbornly push, push and keep pushing. Whenever I think about giving career and college advice to someone this guy's age, I fear that I'll come off as a hypocrite. I don't want to give a teenager the impression that I'm trying to mold them into a certain form instead of encouraging them to follow their heart. After all, just because I haven't found success yet doesn't mean they won't.

And just saying "I just want you to be happy. Do what will make you happy" doesn't cut it. I had that happen before I experienced the real world, where I have received an important lesson or two (such as: similar to writing a narrative, do your research for knowledge then come up with a good, flexible outline that doesn't dictate every bit of information at the beginning). Having that freedom, I just did what I wanted to satisfy myself in the short term.

To productively help a teenager in this situation, I think it benefits them most to help them do the research and coming up with that flexible outline. Stress should go on the flexibility of that outline, too, because who knows what will happen in the next four or five years. When I went into college, computers were the big thing and tons of money flowed from that inudustry. That bubble had popped by the time I left school.

Following your heart wisely with knowledge and that flexible outline serves well as good advice for a teenager about to pick a career or collegiate direction. Going slow and extending financial, research and emotional support doesn't hurt, either. The slow approach may actually save money and time, in the end. Maybe they can even find a good job while going through the process and take the financial burden during the process.

I pretty much told the teenage guy everything I said above, just not as straight out and not the fear of coming off as hypocritical. Nonetheless, I really do worry about the hypocrite part when talking to my own kids. I probably have that fear because I had that feeling with my own parents. Or if not seeing them as hypocrites, as people who didn't know what they were talking about, wanting to mold me into an image then, in the end, just throwing up their arms in frustration.

Looking back, I see that my parents had a pretty good idea about the things they told me. I don't, even now, necessarily agree with everything they told me or think the way they told me was appropriate for me. I believe they have a clue, though. . .just not for my situation. Truthfully, I didn't work hard enough in the situation or have a clue about them, either. I still have plenty of baggage to handle or to just push aside for the rest of my life. I may become a success despite it.

Either which way, having this discussion with the guy felt really cool. I didn't take a hard ass approach that I would have taken a couple months ago. Neither did I sound unintelligent or wishy washy. Talking about my own real life experience, the regrets I had and my understanding of the market on a sincere level really seemed to make a connection, and I really got into the conversation. The guy sounded into the conversation, too, even if he sounded a little disappointed about possibly having to take up a day job career.

I'll need to come up with another strategy for my own kid, if they don't want to go into writing. My gut tells me that I should work at it like the ideal at my college. Take it as a challenge to myself and try to learn about the topic with my kid. I've heard plenty of students at the college really get into that approach.

STATUS ON PROJECTS IN PROGRESS

+ I've already updated you on the job search.

+ I wrote 2 pages in the novel last week but will put it on hiatus for a bit.

+ The talk with the teenage guy and the fiancee on our way home got me inspired. I've started working on a short story from high school. It needs another scene (which now has a rough draft), some fixing up of language and a couple turns of phrase added or adjusted. After it reaches my satisfaction, then I plan on making it my 2nd ever piece submitted to a magazine that pays.

THE LIFE OF A STRUGGLING WRITER IS HARD WORK

The Christmas conversations also did a good job of reiterating that WRITING IS HARD WORK. And I don't just mean the writing, itself, or even the revision or marketing processes. To rephrase, the LIFE OF A STRUGGLING WRITER IS HARD WORK.

For awhile now, I've just been looking at jobs that look like they fit my temperament or that I easily qualify. To make enough money and have the time to write, I may have to take a job that I find hard, that I don't qualify for or doesn't fit my temperament. If getting a job and being successful at it was as easy as having those elements, I would be a successful writer already.

Since my temperament and skills generally point me toward writing and writing doesn't pay well right away, then I'll just have to find something that works, either which way, whether I like it or not, whether I'm good at it right away or not, whether I'm qualified at it or not. Then I'll just have to work my ass off doing both jobs to get successful at writing.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I had yet to accept this fact.