Tuesday, June 06, 2006

This Entry Dedicated to Fjordy

He cut his arm after falling in the shower so badly that he caused nerve damage. His pinky and ring fingers don't fully work. They operated on him today, but he probably won't get a full range of movement for another year.

The lesson he learned: Use a big plastic container instead of a convenient glass one in the shower, especially if you have epilepsy.


Reading a little more in got me thinking about psychic defenses that I've adapted during my youth and adolescence.

I won't really talk about them in too much detail on this blog. Trying to address them with people in the past caused some outbursts that I would rather not have happen again.

These defenses may have something to do with my procrastinating and perfectionist tendencies, though. In the midst of the procrastination and perfectionist thinking, I don't consciously hear the defensive habit program loops going through my head. Talking about the loops as if they're not conscious doesn't give the situation justice, though. Maybe I can better explain it as thinking about them as based in reality, as truth, in a way, as compared to defense loops created many years ago and never altered as my life situation has changed.

Not to say that I haven't defeated maladaptive defense loops before. After reading a book about cognitive therapy, I learned how to fight against ones that worked against my desires. The main problem with the loops that encourage my job search procrastination comes from the fact that I enjoy the palliative things I do in lieu of actual productive work. I don't like the guilt afterward, but some part of me likes the procrastination activity.

As Fear of Intimacy originally brought to my eyes the idea that the procrastination may start because of defense loops, it further brought to mind the idea that the hyperfocusing may come from these very same loops rather than ADHD.

I've hypothesized a little that some ADHD may actually come from maladaptive psychic defense loops. Please don't take this hypothesis seriously, though, because from what I've seen, some people really do have a biological origin for their ADHD. Possibly I don't, though.

So I have exposed some of these loops. They will probably rear their ugly heads for awhile until I beat them down with some cognitive fencing with it. Even after beating it down, I will probably always have to face it. I still have to face some other loops I've fought and beat before, after all.

Exhausting work, but if I am to grow and gratify myself in a healthy way, I have to do it.


Got home yesterday from the East Coast and my brother's wedding. We brought back a friend who will be moving to LA after she leaves here. If anyone there needs a movie/film editor that has a different perspective than anyone from the US (she's from South Africa), let me know. I'll get you two connected.


The wedding touched me a bit. In an inappropriate fashion, I feel as if I can only relate the ceremony to a "Speaking," as in, a Speaking for the Dead, introduced to me by Orson Scott Card in his book, Speaker for the Dead.

No one died, and a wedding typically provides people with a happy occasion. The ceremony didn't reveal any dark, negative facts, either. . .except for maybe my sister-in-law's nack for bad cooking. Nonetheless, the priests and friends of the bride and groom did a good job of putting the legal partnership of these two people along with their history up to the point of the wedding into the perspective of their communities.

I saw, in a few ways, a side of my brother bared sincerely in a way that I never saw before. The communication of the way that my sister-in-law sees my brother puts a huge new spin on my perspective of him. Obviously, the way my brother and I will relate in the future will change in some ways, but it will also remain the same in other ways. Having this new perspective of him and his place in my family community really opens my eyes somewhat, though.

Both the wedding ceremony and my reflecting on it in the way I have has inspired me somewhat for my wedding in a year. . ..


Apparently getting away from home and living differently for a weekend has helped my procrastinating. Having our friend here looking for a job probably helps a little, too.

I've only had to fight my procrastinating defense loop just a little. It probably doesn't have as much strength at the moment because I've become conscious of it. The danger comes when I relax, and it pops up out of nowhere.

Today ended with some results, though. I applied for a proofreading/quality assurance position that the fiance found on the Chicago Craigslist and a couple other jobs posted on the temp agency sites I have signed up for. Tomorrow I will need to follow up on a couple other things, then I can move onto searching for more original ads.

When procrastinating becomes an issue again, though, I'll need to change up things by working on my networking and learning some new skills. Maybe I should just switch things up on a regular basis before procrastination becomes an issue, though.

We'll just have to see what happens.



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