Saturday, March 02, 2002

A Late Night

Ack! I've finally gotten into my parent's house where I'll sleep for the night. I've stayed up for abt 20 hrs so far, from 6:30 or 7 Fri morn till whenever I get to sleep. Still I feel a bit more alert & cognizant than I have during the past cpl nights.

A Digression into My Mood & Attitude

Tell the truth, I feel th/ I've let myself get a bit too open to everyone abt myself. Thinking back to the things I've written, I kinda sounded like a loser. But th/'s all: I had written stuff th/ sounded loser-like. I'm not a loser. Nothing like a little positive thinking, trying not to over generalize, & using active sentence structures when talking and thinking abt stuff.

So yes, I feel more aware than I have over the past cpl nights. Maybe a wee bit wired, too. I had gotten excited abt my adventures for the weekend. I think the bits of chocolate th/ I had throughout the day may have helped a bit. I also had Frank hang out, too. & I've reached a point in my life (not sure if I've mentioned this in some earlier entry) where I want to both accept the things around me but also act proactive to get some things th/ I want. I think this desire & some other decisions & thoughts may start another new stage in my life, the kind of break from one moment to the next when I can say "Up till now" & really mean it.

. . .Back to My Weekend Adventure

I make it from work to home to the commuter rail station in abt an hour & a half. I had some help from a friend. Still I really feel good abt having made it to the station w/ just a second or two spare as a great accomplishment, especially since I went through the Charles/M.G.H. area for the first time & didn't know its layout.

I guess the rest of the night up until the ride home doesn't really have much excitement to it. A whole bunch of us ate out, then we went to the club where Bad Mr. Tripp spun. He spun some good techno. Some of the other DJs slammed down some good records, too. The event had only one problem: not enough people. I won't get into the issues creating the small showing. I don't know how they advertised the event. I haven't really any involvment in the scene, & I don't know too much abt what the scene wants or has. These days, I just follow along w/ Bad Mr. Tripp & try to have a good time.

Will You Just Shut Up Abt Aging!!!!

I felt young at this event. It started when my hamstrings started burning from all the dancing, & I only danced for Bad Mr. Tripp's set! I used to for at least 3 or 4 hrs b/f getting all tired & having to take a nap in the corner of the room. Then again during one rave adventure when a group of us went to a rave in the MIT tunnels then in some rollerink in Springfield, I slept through th/ whole thing even though I had the motivation to get to the MIT thing. I think I might've had some bug, though. So I guess I didn't all th/ bad w/ the dancing thing.

Nonetheless I complained to my friends re: my legs indicating my growing age, even though I pretty just said, "Oh. . .I'm getting old." They immediately thought I had referred to going to this club night & hanging out w/ these ravers, who all looked younger than 21 & wore all these baggy rave clothes. I felt a bit out of place w/ my tightish wardrobe. Then again I never did look the part of raver when I went to all the raves (except when I wore some glittery silver pants, but I think th/ counts as a high point in my raving days; and I have no idea what happened to those pants). I guess I just never really cared so much then. I guess I care a bit now but not in the since th/ I feel left out of the crowd. More to the point, I wonder if I want to take part in this crowd, & if so, how can I do it while sticking to my current fashion & attitude?

I think this kind of questioning might become part of this entering a new stage of my life.

The Interesting Part of the Night -- A Conversation in the Car on the Way Home

Bad Mr. Tripp & I go back far. It all started in my seventh or eigth (sp) grade of school -- actually, th/ part of the history doesn't matter all th/ much. We really started hanging out my sophmore year of high school. It started when he shyly sat w/ my group of friends at lunch, then moved onto hacky sacking w/ this group outside when we had finished our lunches. I also remember seeing him once at the mall. I don't think we had sd much. What did we have to say?

But I think we really bonded when this kid, George, had gotten us together to form a band. I tried to play the bass, but I knew nothing abt music or playing it except th/ I could make sound by plugging it into an amplifier then hitting these metal strings. Th/ doesn't matter so much today, though, since I don't play an instrument (I might try to learn one in the future), but I can sing a little. I also know how to throat sing a bit. I still make lots of noise w/ feedback. Hitting metal strings doesn't really give me the same satisfaction as it did back in my high school punk days, though.

Back to Bad Mr. Tripp & I, though. George tried getting us together to form a band. The band never happened even though we had gotten together once to try getting something together. I think George moving away had something to do w/ the band never getting off the ground. I don't think we had name, either. We had a couple power chord progressions, some fantasy death metal lyrics, & a punk lyric or two.

Actually. . .I think the bond w/ Bad Mr. Tripp gets more complicated than above -- another friend, Gus, & I had put together an anarchist, anti-establishment & anti-popularity 'zine for high school. I had become part of a mischevious clique th/ liked having much fun. I had a crush on some girl who hung out w/ him. Then @ the end of the school yr a cpl of us from th/ mischevious clique went wandering around some town looking for a party only to eventually find Buddha & Bad Mr. Tripp playing around on jungle gym who led us to the party.

Let's End This Ramble

Suffice to say (for the sake of ending this rambly story telling), cliques & people work in strange ways. Bad Mr. Tripp, Sandra (his g/f), & I kinda talked abt people & ourselves on the car ride home. Actually, I think I wanted to reach th/ point when I got into th/ whole story -- the point abt Bad Mr. Tripp & I having some really interesting, indepth, contemplative conversations while driving around randomly & from place to place. We've also had our bad times, but we've really had some great conversations th/ lead to some personal epiphanies. Maybe it has something to do w/ first getting a license for high school teenagers. Sometimes we could only get real good privacy to explore maturing issues while driving around in our cars, & we've gotten into the habit of having these conversations while in the car. Makes sense to me.

So anyway the three of us got to talking abt a variety of topics, from one of our friends doing some political activism (I mentioned him a cpl entries ago), this one crazy, scary adventure th/ the three of us had one night, dating & relationships, & how our clique th/ has somewhat survived since th/ fateful surprise b-day party for Bad Mr. Tripp @ the Uddha Buddha household. We had some people fall away from the clique & others join, but we've more or less stuck together.

As we've stuck together, though, things have changed. We all have grown in our own ways, have done our own travelling, moved to other places, & had our own distinct experiences. I think a lot of the talk in the cars tonight w/ Buddha (he picked me up @ the commuter rail station & drove me to the restaurant where a whole bunch of us ate b/f going to the club where Bad Mr. Tripp spun) & Bad Mr. Tripp focused somewhat on the group, its cohesion, the directions we've taken, & the growth & regression we've all taken.

I feel a lot of growth happening. (Actually at the moment, I feel tired & can feel the floodgates of openness breaking.) We've all reached our early- to mid- twenties. Some of us have reached our post-college years, some of us still have to finish college, & others have yet to start college. We all have reached different levels of social & emotional growth & connection. We all still have our learning & experimenting to do.

I don't know abt my friends, but I've reached a level of calmness & eagerness to learn more abt the world, interact w/ it, & grow. I feel choosing the above starts this next stage of mine. By choosing them, I urge myself to take on them & to challenge myself w/ new things to take on new habits th/ go contrary to ones th/ I no longer want. For instance, tonight I approached a cpl of pretty girls. I haven't done such thing in more than a year. Nothing more than some pleasantries came from it, but it gives me a start on this new direction in wh/ I want to go. I look forward to it.

I hope my friends do, also.

No comments: