Tuesday, March 05, 2002

I Have an Odd Feeling

Actually, @ around the same time as now (more exactly 9ish or 10ish in the evening) for last while of weekday evenings, I've felt something weird. Last night I described it to a friend as "unfulfilled." I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I had a sense of excitement waiting, almost like some stored up energy wanting release. Yet I didn't want to run out & do anything, & I knew th/ I had accomplished something, I wrote more for my thesis in addition to doing dishes, making dinner & the next day's lunch, etc. Nor did I have the mental energy to go do something to release the energy.

I had similar feelings back when I went to high school. Then, however, I had spent my time socializing w/ friends & planning out ways to attain medium-term ambitions while discovering long-term goals w/ them. The energy had given me a confidence th/ would disappear when I opened my eyes the next morning or maybe when I encountered real, physical people. Th/ energy of my hadn't looked to do much than attain social desires th/ I had fostered during the combined days b/f-hand.

Things have changed a bit, especially as I've grown older, have had more experiences, & have experienced a bit. These days I try not to save my confidence for late nights when I find myself alone w/ my imagination. I may not always prove successful, but I try challenging myself throughout the day to accomplish tasks, to figure out the things around me, and to take a hold of the social opportunities & ambitions offered to me.

I see it this way these days: I have a limited time to live on this Earth. At least, as far as I know; so rather, I don't have any certainty th/ I will have more than a limited time on this Earth or more than a limited to have this consciousness of mine. As such, I had bttr live it to its fullest, learn the most th/ I can so as to make connections abt the things happening around me so th/ I can find joy in the complexity of the beauty around me & of the beauty th/ I experience.

My Goal to Live as Holistically & Nonviolently as Possible

Some weeks ago, I met w/ a friend & personally coached him. We didn't come very close to finishing, but we had a great time just talking abt him, coming up w/ goals & visions, & really get down to the heart of why he does something th/ he does. I wouldn't take a cliche or run of the mill answer from him. I wanted something original, something th/ came from his heart. After all, we may consist of much the same elements as anyone else, but we all inhabit a unique & novel location in space & time. Our experience may have archetypical elements to them. Nonetheless they differ in some way b/c of each & every one of our individual histories & experiences.

I think th/ I might enjoy doing personal & maybe even professional/business coaching as a career. Having this idea, I thought it a good practice to coach myself. How could I practice a method w/ someone else when I hadn't done & tested it myself? To answer this question, I started something of a personal routine planning for the things th/ I want to accomplish in my life.

The other day, I worked on my goal of living as holistically & nonviolently as possible in my life. I started planning this "routine" by coming up w/ a vision for it. It took me a bit of time, but I came up w/ the following: "Experience joyous interrelating w/ everything through spontaneous consensual disclosure." This vision rings true to me b/c I find th/ I find some of the most joy in doing this w/ other people, friendly animals, & knowledge. I can see myself finding the same joy, if possible, w/ the atomic level of inanimate objects or even pure energy, if th/ makes sense.

It may or may not. Tell the totally truth, I don't know if I completely understand or believe it myself. I do have faith of the possibility, however. W/o this kind of faith, how did a baby learn how to walk & coexist among its fellow human beings; how do domestic animals do the same w/ human beings; or how have sentient beings come to use the objects around them as tools & technology?

Faith, openness, love, patience, experience, & probably some other virtues. I see those as guiding principles to further my own personal growth & the evolution of existence around me. I will see, I will see. & in the end, what do I have to lose? Nothing th/ I know abt.

So Let's Let in Life!

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