Thursday, March 07, 2002

I feel frustrated by my current life situation. I don't spend the majority of my hours doing what I've started to realize more & more th/ I love: learning, researching, & sharing these things w/ the world through my writing.

The other night, I discussed the idea of goals & such w/ a group of people. We had this discussion @ my church's Intergenerational Men's Group. I mentioned th/ I enjoyed learning abt the world & gaining more knowledge abt it & th/ I want to learn more & more abt it (& understand more & nurture a relationship w/ the world around me). One guy looked a bit perplexed & asked how I knew I accomplished my goal. I could read all the books out there, I could become a professor @ some institution, but th/ didn't mean particularly much. I simply answered him w/ something I thought up the other night & found so amazing: I know th/ I continue to achieve this goal everyday b/c the world becomes more complicated, & I find evermore questions to ask abt the world around me.

I used to get all frustrated & depressed abt not having the answers & not having the world work w/ me. I guess I've done a bit of accepting th/ the world will continue to turn aft I leave or if I choose to not take part in the workings around me. If I want to experience more than just an everpresent frustration & unhappiness & resentment b/c things don't work out for me, then I have to accept this fact abt the world playing by its own rules & enjoy the complexity of the world around me for all of its beauty.

& I never did well @ sitting still, take in the things passively. Actually. . .maybe I did OK w/ th/ in the high school classroom, but when things get down to joy & experiencing & understanding, the sitting around doesn't suit me well. Today I realized th/ I don't so much need the knowledge so much. Rather, I love the hunt for understanding. Living my nonviolent life, I don't care so much for chasing down animals & shooting them down. There's just something abt the search for the ever elusive Truth through all of these facets around me. I guess I see the hunt as the back & forth interaction w/ people & the world, in general, to reach th/ joyous spontaneous, novel consensual interaction th/ I want & the struggle to attain th/ state embodies the state.

So I get frustrated when I sit in an office, doing the same repetitive thing most of the day long w/ the occasional break to crack a joke, set up a shipment, make a phone call, have a bite to eat, or whatever. It does give me some time to think, though, wh/ does me some good. Sometimes, though, I simply want a lot of time to put those thoughts down in writing & do more research to further complicate things & inspire even more thought in my little ol' head. & I have nothing wrong w/ getting paid for doing what I enjoy.

I feel frustrated in my current situation b/c I want to put myself in another situation (th/ I had somewhat found frustrating b/f). But hey, it sure beats getting frustrated abt things in the past th/ contributed to making my current rut. Don't you think?

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