Wednesday, March 13, 2002

I Better Wise Up, I Gotta Rise up

So I brooded a bit of the day. Th/ bit of terror stuck w/ me. I still probably have a bit of it clinging to me.

But hey, terror happens. @ at least this transpersonal psychologist says so in her book call Death & Dying. I think she does, at least. Terror strikes a person, then they must learn to accept the terror & the situation th/ comes w/ it. I don't plan on dying anytime soon, but last night existential terror struck me.

& as I sd earlier, I brooded over this existential terror for a good part of the day. Actually work occupied me & my co-workers got me laughing & having a good time most of the afternoon (delaying the work they hired me to do in the meantime).

Getting out of the office/mansion, though, I still had some thoughts mingling on th/ terror. Realizing I still gripped onto it, I realized th/ I had accept it. Not try to distract myself from feeling it or try to forget but honestly accept it. Besides I always learn something by pensively brooding over these moments of terror, wh/ eventually leads me to some epiphany.

I feel generally bttr, but I haven't gotten th/ epiphany yet. I went home, watched a bit of TV, updated my bank account records, ate some food, then did the dishes. I did something a bit different than usual, though. I noticed the silence around me moreso than I usually do, & I didn't want it. I knew I wanted music, but I didn't want to listen to my usual selection, wh/ either has some overcomplicated sound to it, feels angry, & feels somewhat life draining. So I pretty much said th/ I want to listen to something wh/ has a fullness of life to it.

I put on some Eastern music, the soundtrack to the movie Akira, to be more exact. It instantly put me into a calmer state of mind. It had a good amount of energy to it. Still, I felt a balance, a surge of relaxation @ the thought about the mixing of opposites, the yin & the yang, & the dance of life & death. Actually, maybe I didn't think so much abt them compared to how much I thought abt just plain acceptance of life, the things th/ happen, & just plain existence. I have yet to reach th/ epiphany (I now have some ska -- Bim Skala Bim -- playing on my headphones), but I've come to just accept th/ I have the now & my consciousness of it. Maybe I'll have consciousness of some other now at some other now but now, I've got this now. I really can't do much abt it, so I might as well enjoy it.

And even though I feel a bit annoyed abt the late time & not having really done anything, I've got now. & you know, th/'s really pretty cool. At least if you ask me.

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