Saturday, October 15, 2005

I Need to Get My Butt Into Gear and Sleep

Last night while out and about, I saw an old roommate.

We had an interesting conversation once.

See, I like routine and order most of the time (even though I have hard time keeping it). I can throw it away every once in awhile when I want to have fun, let loose and just see where the wind blows me. When I'm determined to not get worked up over routine and order, I'm all good. I guess a good approach would be that I like moderated organization.

In this interesting conversation that this past roommate and I had, he oberved my characteristic of having routine and order. At the time, I felt that made the observation with negative connotations, as if I enjoyed it to an unhealthy extreme, like I was obsessive compulsive or something, as if I needed it to stay sane.

Since then, I've somewhat dwelled on this "excessive" enjoyment of organization as something unhealthy, even though I feel that this old roommate and me had a big falling out at the end. I guess I found that I felt that I missed out on some things because of this organization, but I didn't necessarily see myself compulsively acting on this desire for order.

I'll admit, I obsess a bit about things that I don't understand and don't necessarily fit into my conception of the world. I attempt to integrate myself and these things together, though, but I wouldn't say that I follow certain rituals to avoid the thinking in my head.

Most of the time, I try to face these thoughts head on. I generally face them by asking questions of myself and the people around me, doing research on the Internet, thinking through logical chains, reading books, etc. etc. Answers come. . .eventually. Sometimes it can even take years to find them (try working on an academic paper for nearly two years!).

Yes, having these trains of thought has given me some degree of anxiety, but over the years as I have gotten a better understanding of the world and myself (and taking yoga classes, learning how to meditate a little, etc. etc.), I can relax better and not have to deal with insomnia every night. Insomnia strikes me just once or twice per half year or something.

So, yeah, this desire for organization -- an aside: I sometimes think that people fail to organize many aspects of their lives, let "chaos" reign, because they don't want to take responsibility or just don't have the capacity at a certain time to handle the responsibility that comes with organizing -- "I could fail!" I'm not talking about people who acknowledge that they have trouble with organizing things as an inherent cognitive quality. I'm talking about those people who willingly cast aside the prospect of organization because it cramps on THEIR personal interests and desires. "It's inconvenient!" Then go off talking about how an emphasis on organization is neurotic.

Having a fair amount of organization in my life doesn't mean I'm neurotic. At least, not to an unhealthy degree. I have things that I want to accomplish. I want to have a job in Chicago when I move there in 6 or 7 months. I want to finish this thesis, so I can get my BA and have a novel to sell. . .and so I can look good for professional prospects and a future academic career, if I want to get involved in one. I want to stay in contact with friends so that I can keep up with that community thing that I keep talking about. I want to meet new people and discuss big topics to expand my horizons and understand the world better. I want to watch TV to stay up to date on things and get involved in drama, to feel moved. I want to spend tons of time with my fiance to feel the love. I have to work so that I can survive. I have to clean up around the house. I have to stay in touch with family. I want to write on this Blog to hopefully touch people where it matters, met new people, keep people in my life updated, get into interesting discussions and all the things that opening myself up to people all around the world provides. I want to set up a situation so that I can have children with my future wife and hopefully help them thrive in this world and also help them understand that they have the power to make the world a better a place.

I don't think this enjoyment of organization comes from neurosis. I think it comes from having many ambitions and priorities because I'm part of this world and want to become more part of it, even though sometimes, I feel like many of the things that I do keeps me away from people, which keeps me away from the world. Still. . .despite my frustration and wanting to accomplish and do so much more, I can't really say that I feel anxious these. I'm much too busy for it. I'm frustrated, more than anything, because I feel like I'm missing out so many things that I want to do, but if I stop what I'm doing now, I'll end up in a worse physical situation, or maybe a worse situation of dignity.

But no. . .I don't see all this organizing of mine as a way to distract me from any kind of anxiety. I see this organizing as a way to mitigate distracting things, so I CAN TRY TO ACTUALLY GET STUFF DONE!

If only my cognitive faculties appreciated this organization thing. . .I might actually have gotten a lot of it done by now and moved on to the things that I really want to do.

Oh well. . .thems the breaks, kid.

No comments: