Monday, September 19, 2005

A Temporary Utopia

As a teenager, I had a fantasy of a certain life that I would live when I grew up or graduated from college. It consisted of getting a good paying blue-collar job (at the time, I thought UPS would work pretty well since I worked there and got paid more than I had ever before while there), dedicate my time to that job during the weekdays then during my free time and during the week days, I would dedicate my time to researching and working on writing projects.

Unfortunately, I haven't graduated from college yet. Not sure I went over that story yet, but I pretty much have gotten most of my credits, attended college for four and a half years at Marlboro College but didn't finish up the required Plan of Concentration (different for every student but for me, a novel and six papers on three pieces of utopian/dystopian literature and three historical utopian communities).

Also unfortunately, I have a white-collar rather than blue-collar job. At least I don't have to wear the suit and tie that I always feared, even though nowadays, especially when it comes to dates and some of those special occasions, I don't mind the suit and tie deal. I even remember when after awhile of doing the white collar shirt and tie for a temp job then switching over to business casual for the summer, I actually kinda missed the choking of the tie. Despite how much I've become comfortable with the white collar shirt and tie and the business casual outfit for my current job, it still pretty much fits into the white collar, service industry category.

Even with the variances on my fantasy, however, I got to live it a little more today than I usually get to live. On top of that, I had the motivation to live it rather than just moon over the possibility of living it then giving my attention to doing cleaning or working on my job search in Chicago and resume formatting and networking and reading job search discussion boards on Craigslist. I actually got up at about noon, did a bunch of reading (sure, some of it was just about pure escapist reading of the Robotech Sentinels book. . .even though on top of the escapism comes a good gob of depression from the inherent tragedy involved from all the destruction in the wars and the politics that happens amongst the same race of people instead of banding together to face a common foe. . .but I have to give the writer[s] credit for including that part and also the mass amount of creativity for coming up with such a long ranging, coherent story full of a bunch of mystery for the writer) then even wrote about a page for my own novel. Honestly, that amount of writing sucks, but it does make a good start for not really writing for a month or two or even more because of this job search and the researching that I've been doing for the academic side of things.

I really would like to keep up the writing, even if I just write for the novel. I do look forward to getting this book that I ordered from Amazon.com (even though if you go through WBUR's Website, the site for the Boston University NPR station by clicking on the small banner they have on the left side of the front page, some of the purchase price will go toward supporting WBUR) called something like Utopia and Organization. I have the feeling that that book will give me some new information that I can use.

Again, I don't know if I've touched upon the frustrations that I've had with working on this project on Lextopia, but I'll go on a rant anyway. Before I do so, however, I want to take another second just to acknowledge the peace that I got from staying at home and having the opportunity to have some quiet time and having the chance to use that time on projects that I really really enjoy. Today and a small talk I had with a friend last night while the Girl and I went over to his, his Girl's and his kid's home (he likes to call them "The Tribe." I like that. . .it's really cute) has hit home with me about the importance of having a room without really having anything necessarily very distracting in it. . .nothing electronic (unless you bring it in then take it out), no books, not really so sure about posters or artwork. . .but really just nothing that will inherently take attention away from what's going on in the moment. The idea came from the Friend last night, but I think on one level, I wanted something to that effect. I didn't necessarily think about having a room without really anything in it, but I would like to have a room that doesn't exist as an office, a dining room, a living room with a TV/radio, a kitchen, a bedroom, etc. etc. . . pretty much a room with an inherent function. I like the idea of having a room that doesn't necessarily have some kind of function built into it.

I think my main inspiration for looking for this kind of room comes from recently feeling burnt out by my office (one reason might come from the enormous amounts of heat that gets made while I'm in there. . .another reason might come from the small size of it, which was somewhat by choice, in a way. . .I had a bigger room, but it doubled as the guestroom, and I did a horrible job at keeping it clean). I've gotten so burnt out by it that, right now, I've taken the Girl's laptop and taken it into the bedroom for typing up today's entry. Hopefully the laptop doesn't act up later when I have to turn it off then back on again because it does have a tendency to do so. But I don't even really like doing this kind of activity in the bedroom. . .I didn't mind it so much when I was younger or even in college (except for all the noise that fellow dormees made or the potential social distraction that it could create. . .especially from attractive dormees), but now, even though it doesn't really give me weird trouble with sleeping when I do work often in the bedroom, I would like to reduce the chance that I could cause such disturbances. Maybe I should try the sun room next time that I want to do work but don't want to do them in my office or even in the living room (the Girl uses that room a lot, too, for watching TV or listening to the rado. . .and I don't think it's fair to not let someone else use that room for its inherent use when I'm doing something else, and I can't do any work while someone else watches TV).

But yeah. . .when we move to Chicago or even after that when we upgrade to a new apartment or, hopefully, when we buy a house or condo, I hope that we can put aside a room that really has no apparent use. I guess I really wouldn't have a problem putting the altar (nothing religious really. . .just something with candles, incense, etc. etc. for the point of the focus into the moment. . .which I guess might become something of an inherent purpose of the room. . .the Moment Room, except that the moment could be used to socialize, work on a project, maybe browse on the Internet with a laptop, meditating, whatever. . .just as long as the person in there realizes that they've entered the Moment Room, and that they should keep aware of the moment. . .maybe make it habit to bow when entering the room to pay respects to the Moment or something). I guess, if anything, thinking about the Moment Room and about trying to feel aware of that moment, I feel like I've lost touch with some valuable personal rituals and practices that I liked to follow that helped me to get in touch with the Sacred in my life.

Yes, it all sounds rather wishy washy and hippie-like, but having a sense of, at least, a personal Sacred really matters to me. I think it helps to have some grounding. If it anything, it lets me to see me a little more for who I am rather than just moving, moving, moving and doing, doing, doing and producing, producing, producing and consuming, consuming, consuming. Maybe my recent baths have helped me to get in touch with this Sacredness again. Most certainly, my friend from last night in talking about his "Moment Room" has brought my attention to the matter. In general, though, I may have directed my thought about how things have changed since I've dated the Girl and possibly soon before that have been consumed by a non-Moment thinking and losing touch with the Sacred, even though the Girl very much has a desire to live in the Moment. I can see how, in a relationship, I very much have a tendency to jump out of the Moment to plan for the future, get ready for the arrival of children that I very much want, buy a house and purchase other things that could possibly help a ton to take my mind off planning and not have to worry about making money and working so much, so it would become easier to exist in the Moment. But really. . .what kind of life is without the Moment or the Sacred? After all, we live a life made up of many small moments all put together into one big amalgmation that we call time and change.

As for the Sacred in it, life, to me, doesn't really feel worth living unless I've got a good ration of Sacred in it, and if I don't have the Sacred regularly, what happens if I get into an accident tomorrow? Remember that Modest Mouse line I quoted the other day? I don't have access to the 'Net at the moment and it would cause some trouble to check out the line, but it has something to do with if someone has no problem wasting life, why won't they waste death. That, to me, really strikes me as a line that smacks of wisdom. If some kind of afterlife or even reincarnation exists, I would think that our habits may follow us. . .so if I'm not a good person now, today or work to have some of the Sacred on a regular basis now, today, what will motivate me to be that good person and to have that Sacred tomorrow? And furthermore, if I don't do so in life, when I've had many days available to me or even when I'm working to have the Moment and the Sacred easier during retirement or when I have a home that I own or have mortgage payments that don't cost as much as rent in Boston, why would I break my habits and work at all that when I have attained the conditions that I have told myself that will make doing those things easier. Won't I keep trying to make getting those things easier and keep up coming up with new ways to make things easier for me, if I'm in the habit to do so?

I know myself relatively well, and I think I would do something asinine like that.

Anyway, I've written quite a bit, all the way through an all right lengthed CD. I apologize, but I won't be bitching and ranting about my academics today. I've got my projects to do! This entry has given me some pleasant Sacred and a good Moment, though. I've thought a good deal about some things that I find important, and I do feel a little better. Go figure! I'll have to do some ranting later or something.

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