Monday, May 13, 2002

A Study in Abject Normality

Young adulthood has come to frustrate me, possibly even moreso than adolescence. Things feel a certain degree more intense. The intensity probably comes from the fact th/ things mean more in the sense th/ I have more of a past backing giving them more color while also having a bttr grip on how different things th/ happen can effect the future. All the while, I can't depend on my parents for money & other forms of material support. All the while, however, I believe th/ I pretty much have a good deal of the same kinds of emotional needs as th/ of an adolescent.

Having all these needs kind of confuses me, though. I had needs & such back during my adolescent years, but I had a very different reaction to them. In a way I have the feeling th/ my responsibilities & requirements other people put onto me really unbalances me. Back during adolescence (my teen years, at least), I know th/ I had a lot less responsibilities & a ton more free time to do whatever I would pretty much like.

Actually I just read something on the Web abt emotional maturity -- and all types of maturity/age issues. For some reason I found myself identifying a lot w/ its description of a dependent personality. I guess I can kind of agree w/ my identification, since I have had much frustration w/ other people's reactions to some of my dependent inclinations & habits. I kind of reacted in an immature way, I think. I pretty much shut off myself & my availibility to other people.

I guess my latest frustration comes from recently trying to open up myself more & not getting the results th/ I want. Also I've received some signals from people th/ I've correctly interpreted too late & other signals th/ I just plain don't know how to interpret. Even though my life continues onward quite well (except th/ I don't work in a job th/ I love nor have I graduated from college) on an external level, I feel the things happening to & around me as quite chaotic, simply b/c I can't fit these things into the comprehension boxes th/ I have in my head.

People have always praised me for my ability to think deep & also for my "knowing myself." Further, I consider myself proficient in handling abstract issues like mathematics (when I get up to practice) & handling symbols in literature & poetry. Well, you know something. . .? I've gotten sick & tired of having all this self knowledge & having the ability to talk deep & having the ability to perform abstract functions & connect abstract thoughts.

Or put more accurately, w/o good interpersonal skills, I've grown sick & tired of having all these great abilities of knowing myself, growing, & manipulating symbols. Like people who have all the benefits of superficial and/or intimate interpersonal relations & complain abt not having enough else in their lives, probably more specifically in their intrapersonal relations; I've developed enough of my intrapersonal life and want the benefits of a more intimate interpersonal relationships -- I guess somewhat like I had in my adolescence, except I would like more intimate of relations now than I had then.

& th/'s really about it for now. I go home from work soon. Yay! =)

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