Procrastinating to Get Things Done

I have this tendency to think big at work. Plans of doing a lot of stuff when I get home pop into my head. Most of the time, I don't do as much as I plan. I usually end up procrastinating with playing a computer game, playing around with Magic, reading productively or unproductively or just generally dicking around.

When I didn't have this job search to do, I sometimes thought I might just be pushing myself a little too hard. I rarely rest or play to play.

Usually, when I do end up playing to play, I think about the projects to do and worry that I'm not getting the projects done.

I've feared that once I get these projects done and have time to play, I'll just think about not having projects to do and worry about it. I liken this pattern to the whole idea that once you retire, a person will generally get depressed because they have nothing to do.

Then there's those people who don't mind having nothing to do. They kind of live a Zen existence without the enlightenment or practicing to reach that point. At times, I've felt jealous of people who live that way.

At the same time, though, I can't respect those people when they don't have the enlightenment or having practiced to reach that point. A good way to phrase it: doing it but not understanding what you're doing. . .so, in a way, if things enter the gray zone from the black and white those people know, they don't know how to adapt.

They don't seem to enter the gray zone so much, though, which I look down upon, also, for no other reason than I feel that we should challenge ourselves because the gray zone will find us, either which way. But that's not necessarily always true.

And when I follow this line of reason, I reach a circular argument place that falls back upon emotion and intuition. I don't really have a reasoned out argument for the importance of enlightenment and practicing to reach that Zen state except that other people are getting screwed over and there's suffering in the world.

But on some philosophical level, that argument doesn't work if you come from an individualistic viewpoint of say. . .a Libertarian or a Republican.

I end up thinking this way a lot when I think about utopia and dystopia.

Tonight, though, I really haven't done much in the field of utopianism. I modified some Magic decks and play tested them for a couple hours then did a little work on my resume.

Proportionally, I focused more on Magic than on the job search. I guess after about nine or ten hours of working and commuting, I can't blame myself. I really want to work on the job search stuff, though!

I don't think there's much to be done about it, really. Until I get on some kind of ADHD medication (meetings with psychiatrist postponed because of study rules or something at MGH) or something, I figure I'll just have to deal with it, as long as I get the inertia going good. Until then, though, I'll just have to deal.

But yeah, I have this type of stuff going through my mind most of the time.