A Strain of Happiness

I feel happy but have no one w/ whom to share it. I feel the urge to warp th/ sentence into "I have no reason to feel happy b/c no one or no situation has made happy." Actually a situation has, I've eaten some good food (fruit) th/ does good stuff to my body, such as make me feel happy. For some reason, though, I feel that I need someone or some certain situation to make me happy. I have a hard time accepting happiness as a state of being that can just happen without the aid of another person. It feels wrong to have this happiness for no apparent reason. I don't know why. I think I should just accept that I feel happy & look to feel happy like this more often.

Dreamland

I had a weird dream either last night or the night b/f. Grass stains. I wear a pair of pants caked w/ grass stains.

I wonder if it has anything to do w/ the green pants I wore the other day while playing frisbee & someone making a joke abt all the grass stains I had gotten on my white pants.

Dreamland II

Something of a warning: This entry actually consists of two day's worth of writing. Actually it doesn't really consist of everything written for this BLOG on the two days. @ least not @ the time of writing this part here. If I get done w/ a little mini essay I've started writing by the end of today, then I'll post 2 day's worth of writing for this BLOG. If I don't finish it, I'll just post the usual random stuff like my dreams.

For instance, last night I had a dream th/ I've embarked on a search on a video tape for the beginning of the 2nd season of Twin Peaks. I never found the 1st episode. =(

For those who don't know: abt a month ago or so, my roommate had gotten the first season of Twin Peaks on DVD, wh/ doesn't include the pilot (so I got to miss the first cut scene of Laura Palmer, dead).

A friend mine, Majik Boy, had told me that I should watch the show (my roommate already had most of all the episodes on tape, recorded from the marathon on Bravo years ago). Majik Boy has a pretty selective and interesting taste for art & entertainment, so I figured I might as well watch it, just for the experience. Majik Boy & I had also just recently watched Mulholland Drive (another work of David Lynch). I had a love/hate relationship w/ the movie, so I figured I could get something from watching the series someday.

When my roommate got the DVDs, I figured someday would happen now. I started watching tentatively, just figuring I'd check it out to see what everyone had made a fuss abt. By the end of the first episode, I realized I liked the show, but I didn't know why. I still don't know but last wk, I found myself watching the last three episodes in a row (make note th/ afterward I didn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning) & now I really really want to watch the rest of the show. They didn't even have the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer solved by the end of the first season! They just ended on a whole bunch of cliff hangers! I have to see what happens & one of these days -- probably some Saturday -- I'll sit down to start watching the 2nd season of Twin Peaks.

Even though I think a lot of the curiousity comes from trying to figure out what the hell Lynch tries to do w/ his crazy switching around in the middle of his movie. Immensely frustrating. . .. But enough abt th/.

Dark rainy day =(

I woke up to a dark, cold Monday morning. My muscles felt sore from playing some acrobatic frisbee (the acrobatics came from my own initiative) yesterday afternoon, the first time I've majorly exerted physically. I also stubbed my left big toe, so th/ aches a bit, too, if I put weight on it or exert it somewhat. Getting ready for work didn't come all th/ badly, actually -- I would call it almost luxurious.

I think the BIG ANNOYING PROBLEM of the morning originated from my luxuriousness. As I turned the corner from one street onto Mass Ave near Porter Station on the Red Line & the commuter rail, I heard the horn of the train toot. I either just missed the train or had a very small amt of time to catch it.

I started running. . .& didn't even see a train. Nor did I see any people waiting for a train. I had totally missed it. I ended up having to wait abt a 1/2-hr for another train, wh/ really sucked b/c of the cold, & I ended up arriving @ work a 1/2-hr late. My parents (bosses) didn't act disappointed, but I'll try not doing it again, anyway. I had sd I would arrive @ 9, & I intend to arrive @ 9!

Then a cpl minutes ago, I smacked my forehead into the refrigerator door.

Oh pity me. . .. No! Don't pity me. Life can get annoying & gloomy sometimes. I have nothing to feel down abt. I can complain all th/ I want b/c I feel all achy & such. In the long run, though, I don't have any reason to feel down. I just like acknowledge the vagaries of life & my body as much as I like to experience them. =)

Hectic Friday!

@ 1st glance, it looks like a regular ol' last day of the work week (except maybe for the fact th/ I'm finishing the 1st wk of a new job). This Fri, however, holds much more value in it then I've had the privelege to experience in a long while -- not since high school, at least. I make enough money & have enough time available (both tonight & set aside during the wk to study, write, & do things on the side) to have a social life during the w/end (barring total freedom b/c I have my last day @ UMASS tomorrow! =) ). So I guess I find myself in somewhat of an unfamiliar situation.

Suffice to say I haven't kept up my habits for evaluating & choosing what to do on my Fri nights. & this time around, it becomes all the more complicated b/c I have drives & goals now th/ I didn't or at least didn't know I had something like six yrs ago. I won't go deep into everything abt this decision-making process & so forth, but I feel unsteady @ it. . ..

I wonder how it will all turn out.

More on Community

Let me refer back to what I had written abt this topic in the past. . .

I've Shown Up to My Own BLOG!

Well I haven't made an appearance here for awhile now. I guess th/ happens when I get busy & have a lot going on in my life. A quick update, for those who don't know the things going on in my life: I've started working for my parents @ their insurance agency this past Tuesday. I no longer work @ the automotive-repair-manual publishing company. This Saturday, I work my last day @ UMASS Boston doing phone interviews for social science surveys. So the remaining transition includes: one more day working @ UMASS & a recovering from a sore left hand th/ I got from repetively slashing discs so th/ no one could use them.

Transitioning only pauses until August, however. I can finally cover my side of the rent & utilities in my spacious expensive apt. in Somerville, & now unless I can find someone compatible w/ me & can also handle all the costs of living here, I'll need to move. Fat chance I'll find someone to move into this place w/ the money th/ goes into living here.

Oh well. I'll just have to live the struggling-artist lifestyle again to save up the money to pay for moving into a new place, look for th/ new place, & possibly find a/some roommate(s). I thought that I might enjoy getting a studio & paying up to $900 but recently, I've re-thought th/ idea a bit. I could cover the costs, but man. . .it'll put me back into th/ struggling-artist lifestyle. I've had enough of th/ life. Unless I find I find a studio or 1-BR apt. (I've got nil or damn close to it chance of the latter part happening) for $700 or less, I'll just have to find myself a/some roommates & an apt into where we could move for not extremely much.

I've thought a little bit abt location, too. I think I could go for somewhere in the area around my current apt. or possibly Brookline, Allston, or Brighton if I could find something affordable. Somewhere not in my immediate would actually suck right away b/c I'd have to do some crazy commuting to get to work all the way in another area code. But once I got a car, I could do some good stuff as long as I lived close enough to Storrow or Memorial Drives. But living down near Porter Sq. or th/ area would work really well b/c it would locate me close to the train th/ takes me to work.

Oh and by the way, if you feel like you could make a good fit w/ me & want to live in the Somerville/Cambridge or Allston/Brighton/Brookline area aft August, don't hesitate to e-mail. I welcome it & look forward to maybe hear from someone.

Well I'll leave things @ this point for now. I've gotten myself pretty exhausted today. Th/'ll probably change in abt an hr aft I finish eating a bunch, but I've really done just abt all I can for now. I'll have to start up habit again writing here. All this transitioning has made me neglectful of my introspective & strangely personally satisfying responsibilities th/ I've given myself. Go figure. . ..

Now it's time to go. G'night!

Peace Again Thx to V-B12

Well aft 2 wks or so, I've returned to some semblance of sanity. Started w/ my whole desire to move to a cheaper place, getting an xtra job, changing jobs, communicating w/ the old jobs so as to make the transition to the new job w/o too much of a hitch sometime next wk or the wk aft, & a bit of a physiological chemical imbalance.

To all you vegans & fruitarians out there, prepare yourself & act carefully when not taking vitamin B12. Every time I've stopped in the past, I've lost it. I read something this morning abt mushrooms having a good amt of vitamin, but I seem to remember mention of needing manure to fertilize the mushrooms or maybe it had something to do w/ people in 3rd-world countries had bttr levels of V-B12 b/c they didn't wash their foods as well & most of their foods grew out of manure. Anyway I plan on going on a steady diet of mushrooms again then when I feel confident enough & have some free time or something, I'll teeter off of the V-B12 supplements for awhile to see if mushrooms have enough V-B12 in them.

Nonetheless if any other vegans or fruitarians have tips abt V-B12 or know more abt V-B12 than what I mentioned above & the common knowledge th/ everyone essentially needs V-B12 to avoid anemia, stay sane, reduce chances for heart problems, etc., please contact me, & we'll discuss. I would very much appreciate it.

Four minutes left to my lunch break. Make th/ 3. I want to do something b/f going on the clock agn. More later.